Well who the hell else's tits am I supposed to look at?
[ It's a testament to her own domestication that there's the smallest smile on her face. ]
Who's the pervert now?
[ there's an instinct in her that wants to say this deprivation would become a more regular experience if they had another child. But there's time for that still, so for now she indulges herself and Aloy. ]
You are touchy feely in the morning, not that I'm complaining - your hand between my legs.. it's not a bad alarm clock.
Oh boo-hoo. I'm the one the one with the short end of the stick. When you get back you can use that genius brain of yours and make me something that can do all that touching.
[ Years later Zero is still flippant and lazy. ]
Huh, guess you really do want it.
[ it's an observation not a judgement. Zero guessed this about Aloy, it was a natural part of the many things that fed into her affection for her. ]
[It's rare that they have this discussion, at least in such a direct way. But Zero's directness was one of the things that Aloy loved about her, and so she takes the hit, letting a silence hang that seemed more thoughtful than angry.
She always felt guilty when this came up. The frequent calls, the gifts, the requests for pictures and updates, a doting that leaned sometimes into excessive... all of this was a way to keep Zero and Alana from forgetting her. So that her absence would not breed contempt and bitterness. But it was a way to mitigate her own discomfort too.
She breaks the silence and says, softly:] I know.
[She looks around this opulent room, the four poster bed. Under her feet, she can still hear the raucous celebration, Erend's booming laughter. She rubs absently at the old scar on her throat, little more than blanched skin and a bad memory now.]
I...
There's still so much to do. There's peace now, collaboration — but it's tenuous, Zero. It's fragile. Everything could go wrong so quickly.
[ on the other end of the line zero sighs, the toils of her own day and her own paranoia about the future (smaller in scale) is really as exhausting. ]
I know. And that's fine.
[ And Zero never begrudged this sense of sacrifice. She finds herself to be inadequate in every way when it comes to Aloy- but there is one thing she is secretly sure of: no one understood Aloy's sense of sacrifice more than Zero. And no one else ever would.
But their senses of self-sacrifice were at odds once children had come into the picture. With Alana it had been tolerable. One child was three times as easy as two, after all.
And even that had come with its own strife. That year in Meridian had hurt Aloy deeply, but it brought some clarity to Zero. In that year she'd grown, healed from things that had nothing to do with Aloy. She'd been able to be a good mother. She can't promise that would be the case if another child was brought into the picture. ]
But you can't have your cake and eat it too. I don't know if you really don't know this.. or if it's something you just forget- it only gets harder when they can remember shit and have opinions.
[She hadn't forgotten Meridian either. For the first time she had felt a pain unlike any other heartache she'd experienced. The absence of the two of them for good had felt like a terrifying possibility. For the first time, she had felt a kernel of resentment at GAIA and Elisabet both take root in her heart.
And then she'd remembered that Elisabet had wanted her own children, lamented their absence, and felt ashamed at her bitterness.]
[ This discussion would be easier if she didn't feel pathetic heartache over the turmoil she knew Aloy felt. The last decade had turned her into something sensitive and embarrassing. Ugh. ]
"Trying" is fine with the way things are now. We can still follow you. When you're here Alana doesn't have to share you.
[ and getting this part out feels bitter and sharp. It's painful to admit: ]
If we do this.. you need to be around all the time for a long time. That's my line. If we do this, you can't cross it. You can think about it.
[She's grateful for the lack of video so that Zero doesn't see the anxious ripple of emotion across her face, or notice the dip of her shoulders. A burst of sound from below makes her jump, her whole body going tense and still, and then the sound is followed by laughter and music again.]
Yeah.
[She wants to apologize and decides to hold her tongue. She's had a long time to learn that these platitudes do nothing to soothe Zero. She worries about the day that it won't be good enough for Alana either.]
I'll give it some thought.
[It's quiet, all the buoyancy from earlier gone.
Hekkaro had mentioned a point of concern to her during the meeting earlier. Murmurs, he'd assured her, nothing more — of a group of Quen in unfamiliar regalia who had been spotted near the Lowlands. But it was his land, and his people. He would handle it thusly, he reassured her.
But what if he didn't? Or couldn't? These thoughts and others — problems, discoveries, danger — they were a constant to her. It was like a light that could not be snuffed out.]
[ She feels conflicted- knowing she needs to make this point for the sake of their whole family (it still feels strange calling it that, never did she think she would have one), but still guilty for delivering an ultimatum in the middle of 'phone sex' as the denizens of this world once would call it.
Vanasha told her once that she babied Aloy. Zero hadn't said anything in response. ]
.. miss when we were just talking about your tits.
[In this conversation, silence feels oppressive. She feels guilty for being the source of it, or at least thinking she is, and is about to break it when Zero beats her to it.
There's a little snort, too tired-sounding to be a laugh but at least a sign that the comment has broken the frost that had crawled over their discussion.]
Yeah. Me too. [...] I know this is difficult for you too. I'm not - I know it's necessary.
[To say that she wasn't upset would be a lie. She decides to go with what she knew was the truth instead.]
[ It's said with a tone of finality but without any aggression or ill will. The weariness is there, compounded by the last few weeks of morning sickness and single parenting. If not for the Nora she's unsure if she'd be able to do any of this at all.
She doesn't tell Aloy that - she's already made her point. ]
You get worked up when you can't fix something right away. Just do what you need to for now. The two of us will be here when you get home.
[ It's been a decade of companionship now, not all of it romantic. They're still young, and sometimes she marvels at this stretch of time that still seems so long (because for most of her life even imagining the next year was impossible).
Despite everything it's a comfort to know someone so well, and be known in return. ]
... Right. We don't have to keep talking about it.
[It's said patiently, and without bitterness. There's a twinge of awkward shame even with this — that she had been the cause of this ultimatum, hadn't considered all of the unpleasant parts of parenting having been shielded from it. It's a grievous oversight, and mentally she turns the mistake over and examines it, magnifies it. It's a trait she shares with Beta, and perhaps one they shared with Elisabet. Hard to say.
She wants to ask if she's been a bad mother, if this constant splitting of her attention had affected Alana in a more tangible way than she knew. But it wasn't fair to Zero to ask for her reassurance. She's already being burdensome.
She keeps the question to herself, where it nestles like a burr beneath her skin.] So... ah.
[She chews at her bottom lip.] What do you want to talk about?
[ Suddenly, Aloy is 20 years younger- a nervous child, afraid of being on the outs with someone again. She wonders if anyone else has ever seen her this way or if Aloy herself even knows what she becomes when she's faced with this fear. ]
Look, it's late and we've both been up all day.. we should probably go to bed.
[ It would sound dismissive if not for the shuffling on the other end of the Focus.
Another call, but this time with visuals.
Zero pulls at familiar blankets and shifts pillows. Like an animal nesting for the night, she settles after a counterintuitive ritual that somehow makes way for her comfort. It was a nightly occurrence, one that Aloy always made sure to observe with curious amusement. ]
[It does initially sound like a dismissal, and Aloy near-winces at it, preparing herself for the hours of attempting to sleep while her mind raced. But then Zero softens the blow, and Aloy watches this bizarre little ritual with fondness.
It reminded her, like always, of a fox curling up in its den for the winter. And a little bit like Diana — how the machine dog would wind in looping circles before finally settling down to rest. Not that Aloy would say either of these things.]
Alright. [She says, sounding more like herself, sounding warmer.] I'll talk to you tomorrow. Sleep well.
[ it's another week before Aloy is due to return and in that time they speak every day, but never about any children outside of Alana. The nightly video Focus calls continue.
Age and experience have made Zero more vulnerable and far more patient, and maybe a bit more structured too (Aloy's doing)- they get into the ritual of calling right before bed, pillow talk across thousands of miles. It is a silent promise that Aloy will find Zero right where she left her when this trip is over.
And though she never realizes it, it helps Zero fall asleep much easier.
The almost predatory survival instinct and the paranoia that accompanied it were always there, no matter how domesticated she seemed. And it's amplified when Aloy is gone.
The house is silent, low lights visible through cracks in the curtains. The plan had been to stay awake until Aloy came home. Storms in the West had delayed her travel and it had taken most of the day to weather out Alana's tantrums. Once she'd realized she wouldn't be awake to see Aloy come home all hell had broken lose.
Usually the slightest creak would be enough to wake her, let alone the sound of the front door opening. But the exhaustion of her poor sleep and pregnancy had all but knocked her dead for the night, hours before Aloy had even passed through Meridian.
Zero startles back to life only when Aloy is close enough to touch. She springs up from the spot on the couched she'd been draped across, still half asleep when she pulls out the dagger hidden under her pillow.
She almost lunges, but stops just short. Zeros awake now. ]
[The dust picked up from the storms rolling over the West barely has the time to settle before she's out on the road again, switching between air, land and sea to shorten the distance as quickly as possible. She is back to the Sacred Lands under the purple shadow of night, her path lit by stars and Nora torches.
She is quiet when she enters the house that she still refers to as Rost's in her head, careful not to risk waking Zero or Alana. She needn't have bothered with caution: as soon as she's close enough, Zero springs to life and Aloy catches the wicked flash of silver in the dim light, leaning back instinctively at it.
Wide-eyed, Aloy responds after a few shocked seconds, sounding a bit rattled.] Uh, yeah. Pillow knife's a new one from you.
[ there's a static to her words, it's accompanied by a yawn. Zero throws the knife aside with the carelessness of someone who has clearly stabbed and been stabbed too many times.
She sits on her knees, alert now but subdued by the fact that Aloy is home. ]
[ Usually, Aloy begins their reunions with affection. It was easier that way. But she realizes there might still be a careful, non-threatening distance there. If Zero were more self-aware she'd give Aloy kudos for knowing her so well. Better to let a skittish animal come to you in an ambiguous situation. ]
Shut up.
[ Zero rolls her eyes, and then reaches out to wrap her arms around Aloy.
She smells like her journey; there's hints of smoke, the finest dust from red sand, and her own musk that has gone just a hint sour from not bathing. It's soothing to Zero, and it smells good. ]
Some brainiac you are.. always saying dumbass shit like that..
[ Her hand strokes Aloy's hair with a maternal intimacy that is familiar but never acknowledged. That would ruin it. ]
[A tired huff of a laugh leaves Aloy at the greeting that is equal parts Zero's unique brand of scolding, and her just as unique affection. Aloy rests her head against Zero, relaxing in her embrace with a boneless sort of exhaustion. She presses her face into the hug, breathing in the smells of home — sun dried fabric, mountain pine, the rose soap Zero always used.
Her voice is muffled when she speaks.]
I hate summits. [It's not whining or bitter, merely tired and matter-of-fact, the way Aloy usually was when admitting her own discomfort.] So many people... so much talking and posturing, being pulled back and forth.
[A long pause, and then:]
Thanks. For the hug.
[Her voice is still muffled. She appears disinclined to move.]
[ Aloy's words are ticklish and warm against the exposed skin of her shoulder. She likewise makes no effort to make Aloy move. All eye rolling aside it was its own indulgence to be trusted to coddle her. ]
You don't need to thank a girl for anything before second base.
[ she almost says something equally dismissive about how if summits are such a pain maybe she should just stay home. But it's too soon to veer anywhere close to that subject again, even in careless jest.
Zero pulls away slowly, untucking her feet from under her to carefully stand- wobbly from not using her legs for some time. She's a far cry from the woman who'd pulled a knife in Aloy just moments ago: eyes still soft from sleep, knees wobbly from some dream she can't remember. ]
[It's the usual baffling sort of response for Zero, crassness and bluntness masking affection. Aloy is just as slow to move away, yawning and stretching as she does, and puts a steadying hand on the small of Zero's back while they head to the bath. Even travel-weary, her assessing gaze sweeps first over their living area, then focus on Zero, who still moves as if waking from sleep. It’s a rare opportunity to see her in a candid moment, when her guard was down and she was less likely to be able to mask any pain or discomfort. After a little while of this quiet observation, Aloy finds herself satisfied at what she sees. But —]
So. How’s everything? [Her voice is low. She didn't want to wake the baby.] Have you been eating well?
[Aloy rarely concerned herself with this amount of small talk, unless it involved Zero, Alana, and Beta on occasion. She worries when she’s away about most things, and her family — because that’s what they were, and it’s still such a strange thought to have — didn’t like to worry her more than she already did.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[ It's a testament to her own domestication that there's the smallest smile on her face. ]
Who's the pervert now?
[ there's an instinct in her that wants to say this deprivation would become a more regular experience if they had another child. But there's time for that still, so for now she indulges herself and Aloy. ]
You are touchy feely in the morning, not that I'm complaining - your hand between my legs.. it's not a bad alarm clock.
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There's a lilt to her voice that suggests she's holding back a grin.]
I reached over for you without thinking this morning. Didn't take long to remember - this bed's so... [a huff.] plush. Strange.
Next time, before you're too far along, you should come. Alana too. We can make it a trip.
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[ Years later Zero is still flippant and lazy. ]
Huh, guess you really do want it.
[ it's an observation not a judgement. Zero guessed this about Aloy, it was a natural part of the many things that fed into her affection for her. ]
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And I do. [...] I mean... I think it'll be nice. I can be around more often this time. I missed a lot with Alana.
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[ For the first time she sounds irritated. It's that whole pet peeve about people repeating themselves. The phrase in particular also hits a nerve.
But she feels bad almost immediately. ]
Hormones. Sorry.
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She always felt guilty when this came up. The frequent calls, the gifts, the requests for pictures and updates, a doting that leaned sometimes into excessive... all of this was a way to keep Zero and Alana from forgetting her. So that her absence would not breed contempt and bitterness. But it was a way to mitigate her own discomfort too.
She breaks the silence and says, softly:] I know.
[She looks around this opulent room, the four poster bed. Under her feet, she can still hear the raucous celebration, Erend's booming laughter. She rubs absently at the old scar on her throat, little more than blanched skin and a bad memory now.]
I...
There's still so much to do. There's peace now, collaboration — but it's tenuous, Zero. It's fragile. Everything could go wrong so quickly.
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I know. And that's fine.
[ And Zero never begrudged this sense of sacrifice. She finds herself to be inadequate in every way when it comes to Aloy- but there is one thing she is secretly sure of: no one understood Aloy's sense of sacrifice more than Zero. And no one else ever would.
But their senses of self-sacrifice were at odds once children had come into the picture. With Alana it had been tolerable. One child was three times as easy as two, after all.
And even that had come with its own strife. That year in Meridian had hurt Aloy deeply, but it brought some clarity to Zero. In that year she'd grown, healed from things that had nothing to do with Aloy. She'd been able to be a good mother. She can't promise that would be the case if another child was brought into the picture. ]
But you can't have your cake and eat it too. I don't know if you really don't know this.. or if it's something you just forget- it only gets harder when they can remember shit and have opinions.
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[She hadn't forgotten Meridian either. For the first time she had felt a pain unlike any other heartache she'd experienced. The absence of the two of them for good had felt like a terrifying possibility. For the first time, she had felt a kernel of resentment at GAIA and Elisabet both take root in her heart.
And then she'd remembered that Elisabet had wanted her own children, lamented their absence, and felt ashamed at her bitterness.]
I'm — I'm trying. To let go of the reins.
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"Trying" is fine with the way things are now. We can still follow you. When you're here Alana doesn't have to share you.
[ and getting this part out feels bitter and sharp. It's painful to admit: ]
If we do this.. you need to be around all the time for a long time. That's my line. If we do this, you can't cross it. You can think about it.
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Yeah.
[She wants to apologize and decides to hold her tongue. She's had a long time to learn that these platitudes do nothing to soothe Zero. She worries about the day that it won't be good enough for Alana either.]
I'll give it some thought.
[It's quiet, all the buoyancy from earlier gone.
Hekkaro had mentioned a point of concern to her during the meeting earlier. Murmurs, he'd assured her, nothing more — of a group of Quen in unfamiliar regalia who had been spotted near the Lowlands. But it was his land, and his people. He would handle it thusly, he reassured her.
But what if he didn't? Or couldn't? These thoughts and others — problems, discoveries, danger — they were a constant to her. It was like a light that could not be snuffed out.]
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Vanasha told her once that she babied Aloy. Zero hadn't said anything in response. ]
.. miss when we were just talking about your tits.
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There's a little snort, too tired-sounding to be a laugh but at least a sign that the comment has broken the frost that had crawled over their discussion.]
Yeah. Me too. [...] I know this is difficult for you too. I'm not - I know it's necessary.
[To say that she wasn't upset would be a lie. She decides to go with what she knew was the truth instead.]
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[ It's said with a tone of finality but without any aggression or ill will. The weariness is there, compounded by the last few weeks of morning sickness and single parenting. If not for the Nora she's unsure if she'd be able to do any of this at all.
She doesn't tell Aloy that - she's already made her point. ]
You get worked up when you can't fix something right away. Just do what you need to for now. The two of us will be here when you get home.
[ It's been a decade of companionship now, not all of it romantic. They're still young, and sometimes she marvels at this stretch of time that still seems so long (because for most of her life even imagining the next year was impossible).
Despite everything it's a comfort to know someone so well, and be known in return. ]
no subject
[It's said patiently, and without bitterness. There's a twinge of awkward shame even with this — that she had been the cause of this ultimatum, hadn't considered all of the unpleasant parts of parenting having been shielded from it. It's a grievous oversight, and mentally she turns the mistake over and examines it, magnifies it. It's a trait she shares with Beta, and perhaps one they shared with Elisabet. Hard to say.
She wants to ask if she's been a bad mother, if this constant splitting of her attention had affected Alana in a more tangible way than she knew. But it wasn't fair to Zero to ask for her reassurance. She's already being burdensome.
She keeps the question to herself, where it nestles like a burr beneath her skin.] So... ah.
[She chews at her bottom lip.] What do you want to talk about?
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Look, it's late and we've both been up all day.. we should probably go to bed.
[ It would sound dismissive if not for the shuffling on the other end of the Focus.
Another call, but this time with visuals.
Zero pulls at familiar blankets and shifts pillows. Like an animal nesting for the night, she settles after a counterintuitive ritual that somehow makes way for her comfort. It was a nightly occurrence, one that Aloy always made sure to observe with curious amusement. ]
Don't keep me up too long.
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It reminded her, like always, of a fox curling up in its den for the winter. And a little bit like Diana — how the machine dog would wind in looping circles before finally settling down to rest. Not that Aloy would say either of these things.]
Alright. [She says, sounding more like herself, sounding warmer.] I'll talk to you tomorrow. Sleep well.
1/2
Age and experience have made Zero more vulnerable and far more patient, and maybe a bit more structured too (Aloy's doing)- they get into the ritual of calling right before bed, pillow talk across thousands of miles. It is a silent promise that Aloy will find Zero right where she left her when this trip is over.
And though she never realizes it, it helps Zero fall asleep much easier.
The almost predatory survival instinct and the paranoia that accompanied it were always there, no matter how domesticated she seemed. And it's amplified when Aloy is gone.
The house is silent, low lights visible through cracks in the curtains. The plan had been to stay awake until Aloy came home. Storms in the West had delayed her travel and it had taken most of the day to weather out Alana's tantrums. Once she'd realized she wouldn't be awake to see Aloy come home all hell had broken lose.
Usually the slightest creak would be enough to wake her, let alone the sound of the front door opening. But the exhaustion of her poor sleep and pregnancy had all but knocked her dead for the night, hours before Aloy had even passed through Meridian.
Zero startles back to life only when Aloy is close enough to touch. She springs up from the spot on the couched she'd been draped across, still half asleep when she pulls out the dagger hidden under her pillow.
She almost lunges, but stops just short. Zeros awake now. ]
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[ her voice crackles with remnants of sleep. ]
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She is quiet when she enters the house that she still refers to as Rost's in her head, careful not to risk waking Zero or Alana. She needn't have bothered with caution: as soon as she's close enough, Zero springs to life and Aloy catches the wicked flash of silver in the dim light, leaning back instinctively at it.
Wide-eyed, Aloy responds after a few shocked seconds, sounding a bit rattled.] Uh, yeah. Pillow knife's a new one from you.
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[ there's a static to her words, it's accompanied by a yawn. Zero throws the knife aside with the carelessness of someone who has clearly stabbed and been stabbed too many times.
She sits on her knees, alert now but subdued by the fact that Aloy is home. ]
You've just never seen it before.
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[She goes to sit beside Zero, yawning into her fist.] You didn't have to wait up for me.
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Shut up.
[ Zero rolls her eyes, and then reaches out to wrap her arms around Aloy.
She smells like her journey; there's hints of smoke, the finest dust from red sand, and her own musk that has gone just a hint sour from not bathing. It's soothing to Zero, and it smells good. ]
Some brainiac you are.. always saying dumbass shit like that..
[ Her hand strokes Aloy's hair with a maternal intimacy that is familiar but never acknowledged. That would ruin it. ]
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Her voice is muffled when she speaks.]
I hate summits. [It's not whining or bitter, merely tired and matter-of-fact, the way Aloy usually was when admitting her own discomfort.] So many people... so much talking and posturing, being pulled back and forth.
[A long pause, and then:]
Thanks. For the hug.
[Her voice is still muffled. She appears disinclined to move.]
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You don't need to thank a girl for anything before second base.
[ she almost says something equally dismissive about how if summits are such a pain maybe she should just stay home. But it's too soon to veer anywhere close to that subject again, even in careless jest.
Zero pulls away slowly, untucking her feet from under her to carefully stand- wobbly from not using her legs for some time. She's a far cry from the woman who'd pulled a knife in Aloy just moments ago: eyes still soft from sleep, knees wobbly from some dream she can't remember. ]
C'mon - you smell.
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[It's the usual baffling sort of response for Zero, crassness and bluntness masking affection. Aloy is just as slow to move away, yawning and stretching as she does, and puts a steadying hand on the small of Zero's back while they head to the bath. Even travel-weary, her assessing gaze sweeps first over their living area, then focus on Zero, who still moves as if waking from sleep. It’s a rare opportunity to see her in a candid moment, when her guard was down and she was less likely to be able to mask any pain or discomfort. After a little while of this quiet observation, Aloy finds herself satisfied at what she sees. But —]
So. How’s everything? [Her voice is low. She didn't want to wake the baby.] Have you been eating well?
[Aloy rarely concerned herself with this amount of small talk, unless it involved Zero, Alana, and Beta on occasion. She worries when she’s away about most things, and her family — because that’s what they were, and it’s still such a strange thought to have — didn’t like to worry her more than she already did.]
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