[It's not quite an answer to her question. Aloy frowns at the deflection but doesn't push it — to her, everything still felt tenuous in a way where she was still trying to figure out her footing. Zero didn't respond well to being pushed to say... well, much of anything, not even under duress. She's wary about unintentionally starting an argument. But so far, everything is fine — good. They fall into a familiar routine, which seemed as much for Zero's benefit as it was Aloy's. She sits where she's bid to, studying Zero's reflection in the mirror.
Her smile (at both Zero's mention of morning sickness and admittance to missing her) is soft, a little tired.]
Missed you too.
[A careful delay, and then:] I'm surprised Teersa hasn't been pushing Nora remedies for that at you. ... Has Alana caught on yet?
Ha, yeah. [Aloy shakes her head, smiling despite herself.] I don't think anyone's ever talked to a High Matriarch like that. Not even me.
[She sounds a little impressed. Zero's apathy and borderline disdain of tribal politics were, despite any awkwardness (like having to apologize, profusely, to Teersa. and then Sona had gotten a hold of it, and she'd had to apologize again).
The thought of Alana carefully picking weeds for Zero makes her smile deepen. It was clever, too — she decides she'll take her out in the morning to do just that. Would be a good way to catch up.] Cute. Not a bad idea, either. [She runs a hand through her unbound hair, winces when she catches a snag.
She decides to turn her attention to her armor instead. Desert heat had made her dress lighter, trading Nora furs for Carja silk. The metal plating is caked in mud and sand: the pale teal of her sleeveless tunic is streaked with red dust. And her hair was indeed a mess.]
It was mostly the storms. [She's explaining even as she undresses, and despite the fact Zero had not asked.] Had a scuffle with a few wannabe bandits around Stormbird territory, but ah, [a half-shrug.] they got a good look at who they were trying to steal from and ran off. Still rounded them up though — there's a lot of Oseram delves further West that need the extra hands.
[She would do this occasionally, find a group that had been ousted or otherwise led astray, and guide them to another tribe, another task. It was this or moldering in one of the Sun King's desert prisons, she would tell them, and most of them would take her offer after that. A lot of people were scattered and frightened with the changes. She tried to smooth out the rough patches in all the ways she could.]
[ Zero drifts away. It's so naturally choreographed - Zero steps aside after finishing her work, Aloy moves away from the vanity to undress. Today is the first time she's thought about the implications of this.
It happened so often neither of them missed a step.
On another day, if discussed at another time, Zero would think nothing of it. Her hand hovers over her abdomen and she doesn't even realize. ]
Yeah? When'd that happen? [ She sounds indecisive. There's a pendulum in her head, swinging slowly. It's trying to decide how she will feel about all of this.
Subdued either by her continued drowsiness or sense of responsibility, it's asked without clear intention.
But she doesn't like how this makes her think. Once she'd loved this part of Aloy: the kindness and dedication. She still loved those parts of her.
Motherhood makes it impossible to believe anything else could come before Alana.]
Mm? [Aloy's response comes in the middle of her tugging her shirt over her head.] Oh, a little after I left the summit, I think? [There are old scars all over her bare skin, almost as plentiful as the freckles. Nothing new, though.] I don't think a single one was a day past their nineteenth birthday. They folded pretty fast.
[She rubs absently at the back of her neck, breathes out in a long sigh.] I got them in contact with Petra. She's been looking for extra hands.
[She'd wondered where their parents were. She wondered that a lot, lately. Vanasha's still trying to help Shadow Carja refugees years later, most of them now too young to even remember the Mad Sun King at all. Aloy had offered the help, but been waved away. There were more shoulders to bear the weight now, Vanasha had told her. Things were moving along fine.]
[ Zero counts the scars on Aloy's back. Or tries to, at least. It's like trying to count stars, and she's hoping that no new constellations have been carved into Aloy's skin.
A bitter thought flashes behind her eyes: would she miss birthdays in order to ensure other people's children got to celebrate more of their own? Probably.
It's hard to know what to say. When they were younger the silence would be something notably angry. The patience imparted by motherhood and the importance of giving Alana the family neither she nor Aloy had quelled her temper.
But Aloy knows her well enough to know that this silence wasn't good, even if it didn't necessarily mean there was disagreement on the horizon.
While Aloy undresses Zero does little more than listen and gently push dirty clothes into a pile with her toes.
They'd met under similar circumstances hadn't they? Zero mute and Aloy fixated on going along with every passing request. ]
[The quiet sneaks up on Aloy, causes a prickly sensation along her back. She pauses as she begins to remove the armored belt around her waist, her hands knitting together in a nervous fidget, a trait she shared with Beta. Zero was the quieter one out of the two of them, but this felt different. Uncomfortable. She pauses in fussing with her clothing and looks over her shoulder at Zero, brow knitted in concern.]
Ah, no machine fights either. [A chagrined smile follows this.] Do you remember how annoying it used to be? The Stormbirds and Thunderjaws everywhere? [She missed it more than a little, but there was no way she was saying that right now. Neither one has mentioned it, though Aloy feels — knows — this silence is a continuation of the discussion they'd had over Focus. The new baby. Leaning on nostalgia's a deflection, true, but she's hoping it might cool any flare-ups of temper too, to know that as far as Aloy's travels went, the danger with this one had been minimal.
[ The deflection is obvious but she lets the nostalgia work on her.
They were so young then. The world was a harsher place but it life somehow felt so much easier. Maybe that was just the youth talking.
Zero's robe swishes around her as she reaches for Aloy's belt to help her finish the job. This one is a shiny shiny teal with pale white flowers. ]
I kinda' miss it.
[ Without her usual footwear the two of them are eye to eye.
Zero tugs away the last knot. Her hands linger there at Aloy's waist for a moment and then she lets go, letting gravity take responsibility for Aloy's pants.
The sunken bath is nearly full to the point of overflowing, Zero reaches down to shut off the spout, glancing at Aloy from across the tub. ]
Waters gonna' get cold if you just keep standing there. Talk about being caught with your pants down.
[Zero inadvertently echoing her thoughts makes her smile return, warmer this time.]
Me too. [And some of the tenseness that had bunched into her shoulders dissipates. She did not like to lie to Zero, even through careful omission. The warmth of her hands is pleasant and familiar too, though soon it's gone, along with the warmth of her trousers. She steps out of them, leaving them puddled on the floor, and steps down into the tub until the water obscures her shoulders. She sighs at the relief it brings, leaning back against the rim and closing her eyes.
For a moment it seems as if she might drift off. Then her eyes crack open: she watches Zero at her vantage point, nods toward the robe.]
[ Zero watches Aloy until most of her disappears beneath the gentle ripples of warm water. It's not out of outright appreciation. She's appraising her for any new and worrying scars.
None seem to be present so she lets her mind drift away. ]
Hm? Oh, yeah. It was a gift. Some fancy guy who makes pants for Avaad said he wanted me to have it- made me his muse or something.
[ Zero sounds as dismissive as can be in regard to her beautifully made present. She liked pretty things but didn't value them.
She dips her feet into the water and finds instant relief - they were already swollen from pregnancy. With Alana it'd taken at least three months before this happened. ]
[At this, Aloy laughs outright — a snort she only barely hides in her fist.] You're kidding. [Some of the exhaustion seems to leave her — she brightens.] You know that guy has commissions out the door, right? Avad says he's going to give him a spot in court just to get clothing on time.
[She makes a note to herself to ask the tailor if he would be willing to part with the sketches. Aloy thought perhaps Zero might appreciate them — she wonders if she might have a better eye for art than Aloy herself, who saw the talent but only thought of the practicalities behind such a thing.
She slips away from the rim of the tub and toward Zero, then sets to the work of massaging her feet.] Already bothering you?
Not my business. The free stuff is nice, it reminds me of what I used to wear.
[ She can't help but look fond when Aloy immediately understands and attends to her aching feet. ]
Yeah. The morning sickness too. It wasn't as bad last time- I felt on top of the world.
[ The strange terminal illness aside.
Zero makes a quiet noise of contentment and closes her eyes. It's hard not I drift away in relief. She would not tell Aloy that she'd suffered through her symptoms alone. ]
Hm. [The acknowledgement of Zero's comfort is seemingly absentminded, but this was often the case when she was thinking over something. Worry threatens to climb into the spaces that the content warmth surrounding her could not fill. Zero often understated her symptoms, so Aloy automatically assumes that they were likely worse than she was letting on.] It might be a good idea to take Teersa up on her advice, then.
[It's said gently, as a half-serious jest, but she makes a private note to seek the High Matriarch out herself. Some Nora remedies were superstitious and unhelpful still, but there was merit in many of the medicine surrounding childbirth. To be a mother was an honor, after all — there was no one in Nora land that would be willing to risk one dying in childbirth.]
[ She mulls over Aloy's response, eyes still closed and head tilting to the side. She's losing the battle against gravity with how nice Aloy's hands feel. ]
Vanasha said you were whipped once. Guess she was right.
[ she enjoys this moment for a second longer. It dulls whatever negative feelings may come along with Aloy's previous suggestion. ]
You talk like we've already figured out what to do with it.
[An eyebrow raise at this.] Is that what Vanasha said? Very funny.
[Her mild annoyance is quickly buried, though. She tilts her head at Zero's comment, keeping her attention on massaging her feet.] Do you want to talk about it now?
[It's a question asked neutrally, absent of any of Aloy's earlier unease.]
[ Zero says nothing at first. She's preparing herself- she's learned to think before she speaks, and think before she goes into a potentially tense conversation.
The blow out fights and avoidance weren't fair to Alana. So she'd learned to better herself before their child was old enough to realize how much emotional dysfunction both her mothers held in their hearts.
Finally, Zero stands. It's sudden, so much so she doesn't even think to tell Aloy to let go and instead pulls herself out of her grasp.
Then goes her robe, and soon after what remains of her garments.
She steps into the water and then submerges herself, just for a moment. ]
You go first.
[ she pulls her hair back. Wet like this it clings to her, smooth and shiny even despite her sick state. ]
[Zero abruptly slips out of her grasp and she feels herself tense, nerves quickly replacing the sleepy feeling the bath had brought on. But Zero isn't leaving, only undressing, and she breathes out in a sigh.]
Me first? [...] Alright, [she rubs at her chin] pros and cons.
[She's apparently been thinking about this.] It's more responsibility, more time... more danger. For you, for them. [Her gaze dims.] The technology and techniques Beta, GAIA and I came up with to keep you and Alana alive the last time are still new... new for this world, anyway. It's hard on you.
But it worked out last time. There's more experience on board. I... [she rubs at her neck] I don't want Alana to be lonely. [The I don't want her to be like me hides in the fringes.] There's still work to be done in the world. The summit taught me that I don't have to be the only one doing it.
[ It's hard not to feel something when Aloy is being so vulnerable, so earnest. Much like Aloy, family was a concept so foreign to her. Something that she spent so long not admitting to wanting as if the wish itself would cause more pain.
It was something for other people, not for someone like her. ]
What I'm hearing is that you loveeee to dump your spunk in me.
[ Is the first thing she says after Aloy has finished dumping the contents of her heart out.
Zero begins the work of washing Aloy's hair. Her fingers work through tangles, lathering in soap made from eucalyptus - the smell is earthy, clean and sharp and always reminded her of Aloy. ]
Maybe we wouldn't be such weirdos if we'd had company.
[ In the recesses of her heart she knows she would have liked to have family, sisters even.
She tries not to think about it for very long. It makes her mourn and feel guilt. What would have happened if she'd raised the ones she did have with love? Even if it meant ending the world? ]
Having one kid is just having one kid. Having two of them under five is like having four kids. It's shitty, but when you're gone and things suck it's hard to keeping telling her that you're not picking the world over us.
[ She means Alana, of course. ]
There was a point where I felt that way too.
[ That year of separation. Quietly uncomfortable visits that they both thought might mark the end of something. ]
Oh, c'mon — eugh. [Aloy's unease is gone in a second, replaced by disgust.] That's not what I said. Gross.
[She sighs in resignation, falling into a mostly-content silence. Zero's hands against her scalp always do the job of quieting her, and she enjoys it for a moment before responding.]
Maybe. [She agrees, and can't help but think of Beta. How different it would have been for the both of them, if they had been raised together with Rost? It's a melancholy thought. She doesn't want to mull over it for long — what Zero is saying is more important than hypotheticals anyway.]
... I know. [It's an acknowledgement of both things, and she can't help but feel a guilty twinge at the reminder of that year.] I don't want either of you to feel that way again. [She glances over her shoulder at Zero, trying to avoid getting soap in her eyes.]
I'll stay. I'll... [a heavy sigh] I'll trust GAIA and the others to do the work. There are more important places for me to be.
Zero feels guilt too about bringing it up. It was a sore spot, and she found no joy in causing Aloy more grief over it.
Both of them were still learning what it meant to no longer be alone. Because loneliness came with its own brand of selfishness. It was the only way to cope with it.
But Aloy's acquiescence makes a warm feeling bloom in her chest. One that she has never felt before, one that will take a few more years to put words to.
Zero leans into Aloy, embracing her from behind and pressing her face into her back. She always hid when she got emotional. ]
[Zero's warmth against her back is a relief. She relaxes in full at last, allowing her shoulders to slacken. She takes measure of her own feelings in the wake of it: joy, excitement. How oddly freeing it was: to do something for herself and her family, this part of her that was fully her own.]
Okay. We'll do it.
[...]
You know, you never told me what you would prefer. A boy, or a girl?
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Her smile (at both Zero's mention of morning sickness and admittance to missing her) is soft, a little tired.]
Missed you too.
[A careful delay, and then:] I'm surprised Teersa hasn't been pushing Nora remedies for that at you. ... Has Alana caught on yet?
no subject
I think she learned her lesson the last time.
[ Afterwards, Aloy had apologized aggressively on both of their behalves.
(Zero, not quite done with her ire shouted over Aloy's shoulder.
"No, I'm actually NOT sorry." And then it was Aloy's turn to face the music. ]
Alana just thinks I'm sick. Heh - it was cute. She ran around picking weeds to make tea out of, something for nausea. Think she found it on my Focus.
[ The last bead falls from her fingers.
Aloys hair fans out all around her like a lion's mane. ]
no subject
[She sounds a little impressed. Zero's apathy and borderline disdain of tribal politics were, despite any awkwardness (like having to apologize, profusely, to Teersa. and then Sona had gotten a hold of it, and she'd had to apologize again).
The thought of Alana carefully picking weeds for Zero makes her smile deepen. It was clever, too — she decides she'll take her out in the morning to do just that. Would be a good way to catch up.] Cute. Not a bad idea, either. [She runs a hand through her unbound hair, winces when she catches a snag.
She decides to turn her attention to her armor instead. Desert heat had made her dress lighter, trading Nora furs for Carja silk. The metal plating is caked in mud and sand: the pale teal of her sleeveless tunic is streaked with red dust. And her hair was indeed a mess.]
It was mostly the storms. [She's explaining even as she undresses, and despite the fact Zero had not asked.] Had a scuffle with a few wannabe bandits around Stormbird territory, but ah, [a half-shrug.] they got a good look at who they were trying to steal from and ran off. Still rounded them up though — there's a lot of Oseram delves further West that need the extra hands.
[She would do this occasionally, find a group that had been ousted or otherwise led astray, and guide them to another tribe, another task. It was this or moldering in one of the Sun King's desert prisons, she would tell them, and most of them would take her offer after that. A lot of people were scattered and frightened with the changes. She tried to smooth out the rough patches in all the ways she could.]
no subject
It happened so often neither of them missed a step.
On another day, if discussed at another time, Zero would think nothing of it. Her hand hovers over her abdomen and she doesn't even realize. ]
Yeah? When'd that happen? [ She sounds indecisive. There's a pendulum in her head, swinging slowly. It's trying to decide how she will feel about all of this.
Subdued either by her continued drowsiness or sense of responsibility, it's asked without clear intention.
But she doesn't like how this makes her think. Once she'd loved this part of Aloy: the kindness and dedication. She still loved those parts of her.
Motherhood makes it impossible to believe anything else could come before Alana.]
no subject
[She rubs absently at the back of her neck, breathes out in a long sigh.] I got them in contact with Petra. She's been looking for extra hands.
[She'd wondered where their parents were. She wondered that a lot, lately. Vanasha's still trying to help Shadow Carja refugees years later, most of them now too young to even remember the Mad Sun King at all. Aloy had offered the help, but been waved away. There were more shoulders to bear the weight now, Vanasha had told her. Things were moving along fine.]
no subject
A bitter thought flashes behind her eyes: would she miss birthdays in order to ensure other people's children got to celebrate more of their own? Probably.
It's hard to know what to say. When they were younger the silence would be something notably angry. The patience imparted by motherhood and the importance of giving Alana the family neither she nor Aloy had quelled her temper.
But Aloy knows her well enough to know that this silence wasn't good, even if it didn't necessarily mean there was disagreement on the horizon.
While Aloy undresses Zero does little more than listen and gently push dirty clothes into a pile with her toes.
They'd met under similar circumstances hadn't they? Zero mute and Aloy fixated on going along with every passing request. ]
no subject
Ah, no machine fights either. [A chagrined smile follows this.] Do you remember how annoying it used to be? The Stormbirds and Thunderjaws everywhere? [She missed it more than a little, but there was no way she was saying that right now. Neither one has mentioned it, though Aloy feels — knows — this silence is a continuation of the discussion they'd had over Focus. The new baby. Leaning on nostalgia's a deflection, true, but she's hoping it might cool any flare-ups of temper too, to know that as far as Aloy's travels went, the danger with this one had been minimal.
To Aloy, anyway.]
no subject
They were so young then. The world was a harsher place but it life somehow felt so much easier. Maybe that was just the youth talking.
Zero's robe swishes around her as she reaches for Aloy's belt to help her finish the job. This one is a shiny shiny teal with pale white flowers. ]
I kinda' miss it.
[ Without her usual footwear the two of them are eye to eye.
Zero tugs away the last knot. Her hands linger there at Aloy's waist for a moment and then she lets go, letting gravity take responsibility for Aloy's pants.
The sunken bath is nearly full to the point of overflowing, Zero reaches down to shut off the spout, glancing at Aloy from across the tub. ]
Waters gonna' get cold if you just keep standing there. Talk about being caught with your pants down.
no subject
Me too. [And some of the tenseness that had bunched into her shoulders dissipates. She did not like to lie to Zero, even through careful omission. The warmth of her hands is pleasant and familiar too, though soon it's gone, along with the warmth of her trousers. She steps out of them, leaving them puddled on the floor, and steps down into the tub until the water obscures her shoulders. She sighs at the relief it brings, leaning back against the rim and closing her eyes.
For a moment it seems as if she might drift off. Then her eyes crack open: she watches Zero at her vantage point, nods toward the robe.]
That one's pretty.
no subject
None seem to be present so she lets her mind drift away. ]
Hm? Oh, yeah. It was a gift. Some fancy guy who makes pants for Avaad said he wanted me to have it- made me his muse or something.
[ Zero sounds as dismissive as can be in regard to her beautifully made present. She liked pretty things but didn't value them.
She dips her feet into the water and finds instant relief - they were already swollen from pregnancy. With Alana it'd taken at least three months before this happened. ]
Hey. Rub my feet will you?
no subject
[She makes a note to herself to ask the tailor if he would be willing to part with the sketches. Aloy thought perhaps Zero might appreciate them — she wonders if she might have a better eye for art than Aloy herself, who saw the talent but only thought of the practicalities behind such a thing.
She slips away from the rim of the tub and toward Zero, then sets to the work of massaging her feet.] Already bothering you?
no subject
Not my business. The free stuff is nice, it reminds me of what I used to wear.
[ She can't help but look fond when Aloy immediately understands and attends to her aching feet. ]
Yeah. The morning sickness too. It wasn't as bad last time- I felt on top of the world.
[ The strange terminal illness aside.
Zero makes a quiet noise of contentment and closes her eyes. It's hard not I drift away in relief. She would not tell Aloy that she'd suffered through her symptoms alone. ]
Sorry for putting you to work already.
no subject
[It's said gently, as a half-serious jest, but she makes a private note to seek the High Matriarch out herself. Some Nora remedies were superstitious and unhelpful still, but there was merit in many of the medicine surrounding childbirth. To be a mother was an honor, after all — there was no one in Nora land that would be willing to risk one dying in childbirth.]
And it's no trouble. I like doing this for you.
no subject
Vanasha said you were whipped once. Guess she was right.
[ she enjoys this moment for a second longer. It dulls whatever negative feelings may come along with Aloy's previous suggestion. ]
You talk like we've already figured out what to do with it.
[ the baby, she means. ]
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[Her mild annoyance is quickly buried, though. She tilts her head at Zero's comment, keeping her attention on massaging her feet.] Do you want to talk about it now?
[It's a question asked neutrally, absent of any of Aloy's earlier unease.]
no subject
The blow out fights and avoidance weren't fair to Alana. So she'd learned to better herself before their child was old enough to realize how much emotional dysfunction both her mothers held in their hearts.
Finally, Zero stands. It's sudden, so much so she doesn't even think to tell Aloy to let go and instead pulls herself out of her grasp.
Then goes her robe, and soon after what remains of her garments.
She steps into the water and then submerges herself, just for a moment. ]
You go first.
[ she pulls her hair back. Wet like this it clings to her, smooth and shiny even despite her sick state. ]
no subject
Me first? [...] Alright, [she rubs at her chin] pros and cons.
[She's apparently been thinking about this.] It's more responsibility, more time... more danger. For you, for them. [Her gaze dims.] The technology and techniques Beta, GAIA and I came up with to keep you and Alana alive the last time are still new... new for this world, anyway. It's hard on you.
But it worked out last time. There's more experience on board. I... [she rubs at her neck] I don't want Alana to be lonely. [The I don't want her to be like me hides in the fringes.] There's still work to be done in the world. The summit taught me that I don't have to be the only one doing it.
And I'd like to keep building a family with you.
no subject
It was something for other people, not for someone like her. ]
What I'm hearing is that you loveeee to dump your spunk in me.
[ Is the first thing she says after Aloy has finished dumping the contents of her heart out.
Zero begins the work of washing Aloy's hair. Her fingers work through tangles, lathering in soap made from eucalyptus - the smell is earthy, clean and sharp and always reminded her of Aloy. ]
Maybe we wouldn't be such weirdos if we'd had company.
[ In the recesses of her heart she knows she would have liked to have family, sisters even.
She tries not to think about it for very long. It makes her mourn and feel guilt. What would have happened if she'd raised the ones she did have with love? Even if it meant ending the world? ]
Having one kid is just having one kid. Having two of them under five is like having four kids. It's shitty, but when you're gone and things suck it's hard to keeping telling her that you're not picking the world over us.
[ She means Alana, of course. ]
There was a point where I felt that way too.
[ That year of separation. Quietly uncomfortable visits that they both thought might mark the end of something. ]
no subject
[She sighs in resignation, falling into a mostly-content silence. Zero's hands against her scalp always do the job of quieting her, and she enjoys it for a moment before responding.]
Maybe. [She agrees, and can't help but think of Beta. How different it would have been for the both of them, if they had been raised together with Rost? It's a melancholy thought. She doesn't want to mull over it for long — what Zero is saying is more important than hypotheticals anyway.]
... I know. [It's an acknowledgement of both things, and she can't help but feel a guilty twinge at the reminder of that year.] I don't want either of you to feel that way again. [She glances over her shoulder at Zero, trying to avoid getting soap in her eyes.]
I'll stay. I'll... [a heavy sigh] I'll trust GAIA and the others to do the work. There are more important places for me to be.
no subject
[ she mumbles sounding amused.
Zero feels guilt too about bringing it up. It was a sore spot, and she found no joy in causing Aloy more grief over it.
Both of them were still learning what it meant to no longer be alone. Because loneliness came with its own brand of selfishness. It was the only way to cope with it.
But Aloy's acquiescence makes a warm feeling bloom in her chest. One that she has never felt before, one that will take a few more years to put words to.
Zero leans into Aloy, embracing her from behind and pressing her face into her back. She always hid when she got emotional. ]
Okay. Let's do it.
no subject
Okay. We'll do it.
[...]
You know, you never told me what you would prefer. A boy, or a girl?
no subject
It's going to sound corny. But I don't really care - I just want it to be healthy. Hair like yours wouldn't be bad either.
no subject
[With some amusement, she adds:] As for another redhead... well, I guess we'll see soon enough.