Typically, such pleas for forgiveness would work on Zero to some degree. But these days her loyalty is divided between Aloy and their child; paranoid by nature and now even moreso due to maternal instinct Zero does not feel sympathy (she can understand on some level that she is loved and cherished, and that Aloy had done this for that reason andthat reason alone, but it doesn't soothe her the way it usually would).
"If you were Beta we wouldn't be this far out in the middle of fucking nowhere to begin with." It's said with a bit if a bite and she passes her Focus between their joined hands before pulling away. And because no one is escaping Zero's wrath at this moment, she adds-
"She'd piss herself before she got this far from home." Somewhere, further east Beta sneezes.
It's only once Zero has sat down that the guilt begins to creep through the cracks of her rugged façade. The teenage version of her that had yet to be fully broken by the world would have dreamed about something like this: a partner who wanted to spend time with her and a child, safe and healthy waiting at home with family and friends. As she watches Aloy fuss over her focus and their camp she finally works up the courage to let her guilt speak for her.
"Look- I know I'm being a bitch, okay? Not saying you don't love the little shit but it's different for me, hormones or whatever.. I can't just turn it off."
In an effort to avoid Aloy's gaze she finally looks around, noticing the overgrown plant life and bright wildflowers. If she did not have such an aversion to big, beautiful plants she might find all of this lovely. Instead, it feels a bit menacing and so she grumbles.
".. But seriously, of all the fucking places to get stuck in."
Most of what Zero says, Aloy allows to roll off her back, accustomed to her prickly and acerbic responses when under stress. This time, however, she looks hurt and surprised at the comparison, her gaze flicking away from Zero in the hopes that she won’t notice how much the comment had stung.
She sets both of their Focuses down on a tree stump, returning to them only after she’s set up their camp for the evening, building a little fire in the middle of a spot where a massive tree stood, its dropping leaves and flowers sending the shimmering motes of pollen into the air with each gentle sway of the wind.
“I know,” she finally says, once she has them settled and has her back turned to the work of getting the Focuses back to at least semi-functional. She has tools and extra Focuses for such contingencies, and eventually after some fiddling, she has at least the vitals for their baby back in working order, though it periodically flickers like a degraded Old World holo. She can’t get GAIA back, however, and some part of her feels guilty about being more worried about that than her kid. It isn’t that she doesn’t care, quite the opposite. It’s that even she, in all her overprotective paranoia, knew that it was simply unlikely that anything would happen while they were gone. Maybe it’s the result of being a native of this world, where children survived despite all odds every day. Maybe it’s because not knowing the area has her more on edge than she’d like. Maybe it was because she’s a little relieved to be away for a little while, not having to wake up in the middle of the night to rock a fussy child, not having to watch Zero snapping at anyone who so much as offered to hold her for a few seconds to ease the burden. To actually be somewhere where her skills came to good use. But to say that would start an argument that would end in inevitable disaster, and it’s something she’s not so much as uttered to even close friends. “I’m not blaming you. It’s the first time you’ve been away — I get it.”
She hands Zero’s Focus back to her, gently closing her fingers around it. “Good as new. Almost. And it isn’t so bad. It’s calming… I wonder if there’s anything else here that I haven’t seen before. I don’t recognize most of the birds.”
To that end: “Think I saw quail tracks a few paces back. I might be able to get us dinner that isn’t dried or pickled before dark, if you give me a little time.”
As expected Aloy is understanding even when Zero is not. That calms her some and allows her to become resigned to their fates tonight- the repaired Focus also helps some. Zero reaches for it, pausing half way in grabbing it to sneeze from the errant pollen. She sniffs, wiping her nose with her free hand.
"It's freaky- you know I don't like flowers." She doesn't sound mad, a little petulant maybe. She spares the flora, fauna and aforementioned birds a withering glance before fiddling with the baby monitor once again. Her own heartbeat calms when the display blinks to life; Zero's sigh of relief is audible.
"I'm not hungry, eat without me." She mutters, gaze fixed on the monitor. There's another breeze, it makes the foliage shudder around them. Zero gets another whiff of pollen and sneezes again, louder this time and inelegant. Her annoyance gets her to look up at Aloy again. "This place is a shithole."
So much for looking on the bright side. She turns mid-step to look at Zero, her brow furrowed. She was back to staring at the monitor again, and Aloy feels a flare of something like irritation and something like real worry. Then she feels bad for being annoyed at all, like she’s competing with her own child. Pathetic. “C’mon, you have to eat something.” She wonders if there was anything on this earth that would pull Zero’s attention away from that monitor. She’d been incessantly refreshing it since they started out, anything Aloy pointing out being met with disinterest or bristling.
She’s trying to be patient, she is. But it feels like everything she does either has no effect or makes things worse. “It’s not only flowers. Look at those birds nesting up there — have you ever seen colors like that? And this tree… I think the Old Ones called it a weeping willow. It does look like it’s crying, a little bit.”
The pollen is getting distracting, however, and she rubs at her own nose with the back of her hand, watching it come back glittering that faint magenta. Zero’s mood was getting to her too, had been getting to her for days now that she has the space to think about it. Maybe even longer than that. Her jaw tightens some; she breathes out through her teeth. Tries to count backward, tries to relax. It’s no good. She can feel the words boiling up in the back of her throat, scalding her tongue. She thinks of a million bitter, mean responses, rapid fire: Or we can sit around and be miserable, if that’s what you want. Hey! Another scintillating three hours of watching the baby roll over in its sleep, because it’s almost nightfall, and babies sleep most of the day. Is nothing good enough? I had Sylens essentially create a forcefield around the whole goddamn mountain before you would even deign to spend ten minutes around me, and even that didn’t change anything.
She doesn’t say any of these things, but the thoughts (bitter, angry, hurt) are there at a low simmer. Her mouth thins. “Hey, you know what, forget it. I’ll be back.” The words are neutral, but there’s something curt and frustrated there that she can’t cut out.
And perhaps, in one last offering of unintentional disrespect Zero returns her attentions back to her focus when the display fizzles again. She responds to Aloy with little more than a grunt, hardly noticing her poor mood. She realizes she is gone not too long after but is somewhat grateful for the solitude. Now that they have made camp and Zero is properly alone with her thoughts the exhaustion begins to set in.
She had bounced back well from her pregnancy and illness both, but her body just wasn't the same. She felt out of shape and her stamina was remarkably lower than it had been. She had complained in general but very little about her body or the toll the trip had taken— truthfully it made her feel self conscious to do so at all (and how would be a mother and protect her child from this world if she couldn't even take a fucking hike?)
The worst change post pregnancy had undoubtedly been the state of her breasts— she'd heard time and time again from the women she grew up with and the mothers among the Nora that breastfeeding was no fucking joke. Her chest had already been large enough before all of this, but childbirth had almost doubled them in size making her constantly annoyed and tired. Not feeding for this long has made them ache, and she realizes in a sudden panic that she cannot find the pump that Aloy had fashioned to make the burden easier.
She has only taken off the plate of leather armor around her tunic when Aloy returns. She's made a mess of their things, hunting through her and Aloy's packs like a mad woman. Zero looks up, frowning.
"Where the hell have you been? Actually forget it— have you seen the thing? You know, that you made— if I can't find it I'm going to chop my tits off."
Zero ignores her leaving, and the offense this causes is a sharp and painful one, like a knife under her ribs. She doesn’t return for hours, and by the time she does, a fine coat of the pollen has settled into her hair, making it glitter and making her eyes sensitive. She feels warmer too, and chalks that up to the effort it had taken to hunting the quails in the fading sunlight. She hunted back home, sure, but it had been a year and more since she’d done this sort of vigorous, days-long travel, and she’s been emotionally rubbed raw on top of that, feeling overly sensitive to slights. It struck her as painfully fitting that she got more attention than she wanted to deal with at any hour of the day, excepting, of course, Zero and their child, who seemed to function just fine without her most of the time. Better than fine, in fact. This thought swirls around in her head like a dark and heavy cloud, and she wonders if this was just how it was going to be all the time for her. Everyone else having someone to focus on, or some sense of community, with her on the outskirts. Even in her own family.
When she sees the mess of the camp, she at first has a moment of wild panic: where’s Zero? is she alright? before her gaze sweeps over her and she realizes she’s 1) fine and 2) is the source of the mess. The comment (thoughtless and annoyed, like she was someone’s stupid pet), and the sight of the camp she’d spent so much time putting together is what finally causes the dam of her patience to break.
“Why would I have it?”
It comes out sharp, and she sees no need to cushion her tone this time. She sets the results of her hunt down, and kneels to start picking up after Hurricane Zero, shoving her own supplies in her pack with more force than was required. “You didn’t have to wreck my things looking for it. I didn’t pack it. I told you to double check everything before we left.”
Zero too, loses all pretense of trying to be calm, blood pressure be damned; the wear and tear of travel and visceral longing that came along with being without their child coming to a head. The pain of not feeding for nearly two days is the cherry on top.
"Sorry I didn't make a list and check it twice! I was too busy getting your kid ready for this— this stupid trip that you wanted to go on!"
Ironically, this is the thing that finally gets Zero to focus on something outside of the baby monitor. She gets up, gathering her own things in an effort to keep herself distracted from the pain building in her chest— her mind works on a plan to relieve herself of the excess fluid.
"Did you even think about me when you planned this? I have shredded roast beef dangling between my legs and two ticking bombs strapped to my chest— what the fuck am I doing scaling mountains and walking through swamps?"
Her own unactualized bitterness seeps through, though she hardly realizes it. Zero often did this— pushed her feelings down in the name of responsibility until it all came boiling over because of something inconsequential. She had thought Aloy understood this about her and perhaps that betrayal seeps into this as well.
Zero gathers what she'd needed: a salve Zo had given her for the pain and irritation, and insulated bags to collect the breast milk (when their child had been born Zero had some trouble nursing— and though she had not admitted this to Aloy the struggle had made her inconsolable, her self-loathing and misery bottomless. Now she was obsessive in not letting any of it go to waste).
Zero turns away from Aloy, leaning into the shade of the weeping tree. Now that she's made Aloy aware of her physical misery (and because she has reached her breaking point) Zero makes no effort to hide it. She pulls her arms through her tunic, every movement causing her to hiss in quiet pain. When she speaks again her voice is watery, as if holding back tears.
“You think I wasn’t? Do you have any idea how much I had to do just to get you to agree to spend any time with me at all? Why do you think I wanted to go in the first place? You think this was for me?” Usually in their arguments, Aloy would fold quickly, more inclined to be diplomatic than anything else. But her mood is shot, the shield of irrepressible optimism she’d been using to keep herself buoyed falling apart. “I’ve been thinking about your well-being constantly! For months!” She is too incensed to notice her voice cracking. “It’s all I think about! I asked you if you’d be fine over and over again before we left…”
She trails off after a moment, flushed and out of breath, shaking in the aftermath of her outburst, and at last she sees how distressed and in pain Zero is. Her ire deflates right away, replaced by the sour taste of guilt and shame in equal measure. Her gaze fixes itself on the ground until she feels her composure return, if piecemeal. She walks over to Zero slowly, then crouches beside her.
There’s a long pause. She worries her bottom lip with her teeth.
“…
Tell me what’s wrong. Let me help.” She adds, on the verge of desperation. “Please. I want to help you.”
Zero has experienced varied and uncommon forms of pain and withstood things that would make the most seasoned solider bawl like a child— but this particular brand of pain ranked fairly high (she'd discussed it once with Zo who'd agreed— they had decided it was because of where it was and the emotions involved). She tries at first to shoulder it and give Aloy the cold shoulder, hurt and frustrated by all of this.
She does not get very far however. Zero presses down against the base of her breast with her hand in an effort to draw the liquid out, but the pressure is too much and she bites down a whimper of pain, groaning and pulling her hand away like she had been electrocuted. Moisture pools in the corner of her eyes and it makes Zero drop the insulated bag, rushing to wipe at her eyes.
"Fucking swamp— it's all this shit in the air." She's saving face, it's the pollen and pain both. Eyes dry Zero drops her hands to her sides, beside herself. She'd instinctively turned away slightly when Aloy approached. She had never been so self conscious in her life until she's gotten pregnant; Aloy saw very little of her unless she was nursing.
Zero takes a shaky breath and shifts so Aloy can see her. Her tunic is pulled down to her waist, breasts pulled out over the top of her brassier (they were uncommon in this place, she'd had Teb design it specially for her to combat her discomfort with her body). They are more swollen than usual from the stored liquid, areola enlarged from nursing.
"They.. haven't been dealt with since we left." It's strange for Zero to struggle with words being as crass as she is. It's a testament to how uncomfortable she has been since giving birth. "I can't do it myself, it hurts more that way and I keep pussying out."
She’s accustomed to Zero’s shyness around her body and the changes that had occurred both during and after her pregnancy. The reticence in voicing anything around the process of breastfeeding is new, however, enough to make Aloy’s brow crinkle. It’s the tears that alarm her the most, however, making her feel guilt and discomfort in equal measure. “I didn’t know it was this painful for you.” Her voice is soft, sympathetic. It is akin to the voice she uses when she is trying her best to soothe their child, calm and reassuring for all that she’s often frazzled and out of her depth. Not much different from how she feels now. “Tell me, next time.” It’s a request, not a demand. “I shouldn’t have pushed you so hard.”
Carefully, she cups Zero’s breasts in her hands. The weight of them is different even from the scarce moments they’d had during her pregnancy, heavy and flushed. It looks like it hurts, and her gaze flickers up to Zero’s face, as if searching for something.
“Uh…” she starts, and then, a little abashed: “I’m not sure what to do. Do I just… press down?” The obvious answer is there, sits uncomfortably in the back of her head. She doesn’t know why that is; there was nothing inherently sexual about the process. But it’s…boy. It’s a little weird.
"Yeah, you shouldn't have." In classic Zero fashion because she has offered up vulnerability and put herself in a vulnerable spot, she can now only respond with blame and subdued anger. "You scream when I touch yours while you're pmsing- multiply that by a thousand and one."
But the bite muffled by her apparent misery. She winces, anticipating pain when Aloy lifts her breasts- her hands are warm, even moreso than usual. Leave it to Aloy to be obtuse about all of this. How one person could be a fucking genius and an idiot at the same time was beyond her.
"I'm not actually a cow. Just.. put them in your mouth and suck. You've done that before." Zero looks away, uncomfortable. "Don't make this worse than it needs to be. It'll be faster this way- it'll hurt, but I'll feel better way sooner."
Aloy is still not entirely over their argument, and deadpans, “In my defense, you hide your pain like a dying animal. Just talk to me.”
It’s in reference to more than this, it seemed.
She colors at both the realization and at Zero’s tone. The, “I can’t believe you’re making me say this, stupid,” tone. “I,” she sputters, “I knew that. I only wanted to be sure.” She’d been hoping in some small way that it wasn’t that, and again she tries to separate the concept of it in her head from the act, which was simply to relieve Zero’s pain and discomfort.
And… something is jangling in the back of her head, not discomfort but restlessness, of a variety she doesn’t care to examine in the moment.
It’s been a while. She’s been pent up; they’ve barely interacted without the baby around. The birth itself had been nerve wracking. The circumstances around that birth had been frightening. It’s just energy without anywhere to go. It doesn’t mean anything. She had to focus on the result, not the things in between.
Aloy lowers her head and takes Zero’s breast into her mouth. Her skin is warm, almost feverish, the areola almost puffy, swollen and sensitive. Zero’s skin has that powdery airy smell she associates with her in the moments she was with the baby, fussing over a bath or humming her to sleep. It’s different from what she remembers, but not unpleasant, and the mingling of it with her sweat and exertion from today, and has the undertones of milk sweetness. That mixed with the pollen turns it unbearably heady, and she feels herself flush with the realization of it.
This could not possibly be turning her on. She felt insane. What the hell was wrong with her? This sudden awareness doesn’t stop her, though she allows her eyes to close and tilts her head downward so that Zero won’t see the proof of it written all over her face.
There's some hypocrisy in that dying animal comment, but she tables that for later - her chest is on fire from the every building pressure. Zero braces for pain, which does come as soon as Aloy takes her breast into her mouth, but slow building relief is just as instantaneous. Zero surprises herself with how pleasant it feels, pain still present but intertwined with the satisfaction of being relieved as well. She is so beside herself she doesn't bother to censor the whimper and pleased sigh that follow one after the other, like she usually would out of pride.
Zero throws her head back, holding herself up with her palms; her eyes close, lips pursing and unpursing as Aloy sucks.
"Mm, just like that- god that feels better." An adult has greater suction than a child after all, it is as efficient as it is satisfying (though she chalks the former up to finally being put out of her misery). The little sounds don't stop, as Aloy continues the aching and then almost instant relief continue in tandem, making Zero vocalize and writhe against Aloy's mouth.
She is trying very hard to not be into this. Her fingernails dig into one of her palms in an attempt to cause enough pain to distract her from how... overwhelming this is. How warm she feels. She switches from one sensitive, aching breast to the other in turn, and the noises and encouragement Zero gives causes a jolt in the pit of her stomach.
Definitely turned on then, by this. Great.
She leans in closer, all but burying her head in Zero's chest, her mouth latched around her swollen breast, and sucks harder, her teeth grazing gently over her nipple. She can't help the little noises she makes in response either, or the glazed-over look in her eyes when she finally allows herself to stare up at Zero, wanting to see her face. The dazed thought that manages to peek through the haze filling her senses is that this was good, perfect, she could do this all evening. Zero needed her like this. She was being useful again, at last.
What makes her pull away at last is the inevitable trickle of warm liquid in her mouth, coating her tongue. Milk, obviously. The taste is... not bad, no, but it startles her enough to almost jerk away, quickly turning from Zero in order to swallow without being seen.
Her hand trembles as it moves to swipe at her mouth. Her shoulders are locked tight, and even with her back turned, it's clear that her breathing is fast and heavy. She shivers like she's cold.
"Sorry, I," her voice is hoarse, and she finishes quietly, "swallowed a little of it. That's, uh, that should help you along."
Meanwhile, she looks around for a possible escape. She needed to... to fight a machine or jump in a cold river, or anything to let off steam. Anything that wasn't thinking about... about it.
Zero comes to belatedly, look up at Aloy in surprise- too fixated on her reprieve and pain. It takes her a moment to realize Aloy has relieved herself of her duties, leaving her sitting there with liquid seeping from her breasts, nipples hard from her tongue and mouth.
"What? Oh, I don't give a fuck." Her mind rushes to catch up with the conversation, she looks at Aloy and then their surroundings wondering if she's missed something. Zero frowns, whatever emotion she'd been previously overcome with replaced with the same surly annoyance from before.
"That's it? Huh." Zero is quiet, eyes narrowed in scrutiny as if trying to decipher some secret in Aloy's countenance. "Grossed out already? Well, figures. Fine- go do whatever, I'll milk myself." Whatever methodical system she'd created in the name of saving it is forgotten in the face of her anger; Zero takes her breast in her hand and begins the process of massaging out what remains. It's messy like this, the milk gets all over her fingers and covers her skin in a wet sheen.
She's so fixated on trying to get her breathing under control, feeling as if she was on the verge of throwing herself at Zero like some kind of slavering animal, that it takes her a moment to catch up with what direction the conversation is going in... which seems to be "very badly," by her estimation. She glances up, then looks over her shoulder to take in the sight of Zero, skin wet with milk, frustrated and angry with her as she massages her own breasts. Aloy feels something in her brain short-circuit, and is only half-aware that she's shaking her head.
"What?" Oh no. "Wait, no, I'm not grossed out." She reaches for Zero by reflex, pulling her hands away. "It... it isn't that, alright? I," she finally blurts out, frustrated, "I'm so turned on that I can't see straight. I just didn't want to be weird about it!"
In the quiet that follows this exclamation, Aloy seems to return to her senses. She pulls back, a hand to her forehead. "I'm sorry — it's been a while since we...and I'm clearly losing my mind. I've screwed up this entire trip already though, right? What's one more disaster to top it off?"
She's surprised by this information, sure- but really its the breeze that passes through, bringing with it a light dusting of pollen that gets Zero to subdue her anger. She hears Aloy only distantly after being told that her assumptions were wrong. Her blood pounds in her ears, face going hot in embarrassment from how self-conscious she is suddenly and a little something else.
Disgusted and disconnected with her own body and in so much pain at that it overwhelms her to the point of being in audible.
"You.. are you..? I-" The words are cut off by another hiss, the ducts in her breasts clogged yet again. She grows redder still, her embarrassment uncharacteristic and somehow reaching further depths. She gets up hastily, trying in vain to pull her tunic back up.
"It's fine, okay? You don't have to say shit just to make me feel better." She's turned away and fiddling with her tunic, trying to hide from Aloy's gaze. There's no anger in her voice this time- shame, maybe, something watery at the end of her words.
"Zero," Aloy starts, scrambling to her feet to catch her by the arm and make her face her. Aloy's knees feel like jelly, liable to give out under her. "Zero, wait. I don't lie to you, remember?" Her tone is urgent, on the verge of desperate, and the next breeze that sends pollen swirling around them almost makes her knees buckle. "I'm serious. Let me... let me take care of you."
She takes Zero's breasts into her hands again, calloused thumbs brushing over her hardened nipples, paying no mind, this time, to the wetness gathered there. "I need to take care of you. They still hurt, don't they?" Her voice is almost too soft to be heard. "I stopped too soon. Don't worry — I've got you."
She keeps her gaze on Zero now when she brings her mouth to her breast again, sucking hard. A shuddery groan escapes her; her lashes flutter against her cheeks briefly, as if she's nearly overwhelmed. She doubles her efforts until milk begins to flow again, and doesn't pull back this time, an arm hooking around Zero's waist to pull her in closer instead.
"I know you don't." It's mumbled, just barely audible to even Aloy. But her head is too full of too many things: pain, her embarrassment, her paranoia and she is too acutely aware of every sensation in her body from the breeze against her neck to Aloy's hands hovering too close.
Enclosed by foliage, trees, and the fast approaching night it feels like she has no where to run and hide from Aloy's hands and worry. Her brain wants both in equal measure: to hide her shame and to fall into the warm pleasure of her hands. Aloy's hands are already on her while she short circuits and she makes a surprised sounds when her thumbs graze sensitive skin.
Zero looks away, biting down on her finger- thought it doesn't fully quiet the sounds she makes when Aloy's mouth begins to move. It feels good, it feels bad; the more Aloy sucks the more her body wordlessly urges her to continue even though she can't bear to be fully present in this moment lest the shame eat her alive.
Aloy keeps her mouth busy, the frenzied heat in her building with each moment. She’s gentle with Zero despite her eagerness, cognizant of sensitivity and how quickly it could edge into real pain, but relentless. She sucks and kisses her breasts, licks them clean of the moisture gathered there, nuzzles into the valley between them to breathe in the scent of her. It takes her a while to realize that Zero has her face turned away, her face flushed and her eyes closed. Aloy presses a kiss on her sternum, then brings slightly damp fingers to her chin, coaxing her to face her. It’s gentle, this gesture, more an invitation than a demand.
“Hey. Let me see your face.”
She’s out of breath. By now she’s backed them both up against the tree, her arm still wrapped tight around Zero’s waist. She stares up at her, her mouth bruised and wet and her eyes bright in the growing dark. She’s a little out of breath when she speaks. “Tell me what’s wrong.” Everything in her is urging her to continue, and she places gentle kisses against Zero’s chest to quell the urge. “I want you to talk to me.”
It's not uncommon for Aloy to seek out service or to take the lead but this is different. Suddenly, after all their missed signals and unspoken frustrations, Aloy seems to know exactly what she wants - or at least, is unabashedly open about it. This gives Zero pause, she is almost docile as Aloy guides her to look forward and down at her.
She listens to the request but is no less bashful.
The hands around her waist feel heavier than they are and she cranes her head, not realizing until it has happened that Aloy has backed her against a wall. She has no where to go, her shame center stage as she struggles with an answer (its hard to muster one, between the warm wet kisses and the still lingering aches in her breasts - she misses Aloy's lips in more ways than one).
"It's just-" She tilts her head away again, does a full sweep up down and around, and when her gaze comes back to where Aloy had positioned it she stares at a point just past Aloy's face. "- hormones, and shit. I don't know! My tits hurt and I don't know what I want and I miss my fucking baby!"
Again, Aloy tips Zero’s chin in her direction, her hand loosening its grip from her waist. She runs that hand up Zero’s side, then down again with gentle possessiveness.
“Let me take your mind off it.” Her thumb brushes Zero’s lower lip, and she leans forward to kiss her cheek, the line of her jaw, her forehead. “I miss her too.” A pause, and she admits, “But I’ve missed you, so much. I wanted us to come out here together because I missed you.” There’s something tender in Aloy’s expression, something a little hurt too.
“Do you not want this? For me to touch you anymore?” Even with this question, she places a kiss on Zero’s throat. “I know you hate the trip, but I thought… I don’t know. I’ve missed touching you, and it’s as if you hate for me to even look at you now.”
The eggshells Zero knows Aloy has been treading on (and that she hasn't bothered dispelling herself, preoccupied with other things) are forgotten and this is the thing that surprises her the most.
"I never said any of that shit." Instinctively, she turns her head both to give Aloy's mouth more room and to hide again.
"It doesn't have anything to do with you.." the words are spoken in between the shivers that Aloy's touches elicit. "I had a lot of issues before I met you. Popping a kid out and everything else, it just made everything worse."
Aloy keeps her mouth busy, her attention half-split between what Zero says, and the reactions she's causing. Her own thoughts are cloudy and indistinct, muddled. It's a feeling a million times more powerful than any Oseram ale she's ever been given — something stuck between adrenaline and desire. She kisses Zero as if she's afraid that she'll lose her chance if she does. She works her way down Zero's neck, leaving bruises in the shape of her teeth. She lowers her mouth to Zero's breasts again, gazing up at her. Her tongue traces over one of her nipples, and for a moment, it seems as if she might choose not to answer.
"I get it," she says, her voice ragged but, all things considered, oddly calm. "I do. I know you didn't say that, and it's selfish of me to be hurt by it, but I... I can't help it."
It's a rarely admitted thing. Somewhere, distantly, the side of her still cognizant of embarrassment rails against this. However, she continues, the words mumbled now into Zero's skin. "I don't want you to hide from me."
She takes Zero's breast into her mouth to suck again, one hand teasing the other. Her other hand impatiently moves to fumble with her own clothing — she's too warm, and all of her nerves buzz with eagerness.
It's instinct and an unknowing need that keeps her in step with Aloy. She parts her lips wide, as if feeding off of what Aloy has given her, lips and tongue readily offering themselves to her in hopes of receiving something in return. She's dizzy when Aloy has moved on, she'll blame that on the lack of oxygen— so much of it siphoned away when they were feeding off each other in the form of wet kisses.
Each bite, suck and flick of Aloy's tongue makes her shudder. She's drunk on this, mind slowly becoming somewhat sober when Aloy admits to something she never did.
"Better admitting to being a little brat than pretending you're not." She mumbles, pushing hair away from her face. The humidity and everything else have already made her sticky with perspiration— her fingers get tangled in her hair when she startles from Aloy's breast on her mouth again.
Something about this admission makes her blush.
"What the hells gotten into you? Here—" She doesn't push Aloy away but pays no mind in potentially disturbing her as she helps loosen the ties and straps of her clothing. Zero stops intermittently to hiss and whine, toes curling in her boots at how Aloy teases her. She herself always exists in a state of some kind of want between the warped nature of her brain and post pregnant hormones, so she has yet to actualize how the pollen may have caused this in the both of them.
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"If you were Beta we wouldn't be this far out in the middle of fucking nowhere to begin with." It's said with a bit if a bite and she passes her Focus between their joined hands before pulling away. And because no one is escaping Zero's wrath at this moment, she adds-
"She'd piss herself before she got this far from home." Somewhere, further east Beta sneezes.
It's only once Zero has sat down that the guilt begins to creep through the cracks of her rugged façade. The teenage version of her that had yet to be fully broken by the world would have dreamed about something like this: a partner who wanted to spend time with her and a child, safe and healthy waiting at home with family and friends. As she watches Aloy fuss over her focus and their camp she finally works up the courage to let her guilt speak for her.
"Look- I know I'm being a bitch, okay? Not saying you don't love the little shit but it's different for me, hormones or whatever.. I can't just turn it off."
In an effort to avoid Aloy's gaze she finally looks around, noticing the overgrown plant life and bright wildflowers. If she did not have such an aversion to big, beautiful plants she might find all of this lovely. Instead, it feels a bit menacing and so she grumbles.
".. But seriously, of all the fucking places to get stuck in."
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She sets both of their Focuses down on a tree stump, returning to them only after she’s set up their camp for the evening, building a little fire in the middle of a spot where a massive tree stood, its dropping leaves and flowers sending the shimmering motes of pollen into the air with each gentle sway of the wind.
“I know,” she finally says, once she has them settled and has her back turned to the work of getting the Focuses back to at least semi-functional. She has tools and extra Focuses for such contingencies, and eventually after some fiddling, she has at least the vitals for their baby back in working order, though it periodically flickers like a degraded Old World holo. She can’t get GAIA back, however, and some part of her feels guilty about being more worried about that than her kid. It isn’t that she doesn’t care, quite the opposite. It’s that even she, in all her overprotective paranoia, knew that it was simply unlikely that anything would happen while they were gone. Maybe it’s the result of being a native of this world, where children survived despite all odds every day. Maybe it’s because not knowing the area has her more on edge than she’d like. Maybe it was because she’s a little relieved to be away for a little while, not having to wake up in the middle of the night to rock a fussy child, not having to watch Zero snapping at anyone who so much as offered to hold her for a few seconds to ease the burden. To actually be somewhere where her skills came to good use. But to say that would start an argument that would end in inevitable disaster, and it’s something she’s not so much as uttered to even close friends. “I’m not blaming you. It’s the first time you’ve been away — I get it.”
She hands Zero’s Focus back to her, gently closing her fingers around it. “Good as new. Almost. And it isn’t so bad. It’s calming… I wonder if there’s anything else here that I haven’t seen before. I don’t recognize most of the birds.”
To that end: “Think I saw quail tracks a few paces back. I might be able to get us dinner that isn’t dried or pickled before dark, if you give me a little time.”
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"It's freaky- you know I don't like flowers." She doesn't sound mad, a little petulant maybe. She spares the flora, fauna and aforementioned birds a withering glance before fiddling with the baby monitor once again. Her own heartbeat calms when the display blinks to life; Zero's sigh of relief is audible.
"I'm not hungry, eat without me." She mutters, gaze fixed on the monitor. There's another breeze, it makes the foliage shudder around them. Zero gets another whiff of pollen and sneezes again, louder this time and inelegant. Her annoyance gets her to look up at Aloy again. "This place is a shithole."
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So much for looking on the bright side. She turns mid-step to look at Zero, her brow furrowed. She was back to staring at the monitor again, and Aloy feels a flare of something like irritation and something like real worry. Then she feels bad for being annoyed at all, like she’s competing with her own child. Pathetic. “C’mon, you have to eat something.” She wonders if there was anything on this earth that would pull Zero’s attention away from that monitor. She’d been incessantly refreshing it since they started out, anything Aloy pointing out being met with disinterest or bristling.
She’s trying to be patient, she is. But it feels like everything she does either has no effect or makes things worse. “It’s not only flowers. Look at those birds nesting up there — have you ever seen colors like that? And this tree… I think the Old Ones called it a weeping willow. It does look like it’s crying, a little bit.”
The pollen is getting distracting, however, and she rubs at her own nose with the back of her hand, watching it come back glittering that faint magenta. Zero’s mood was getting to her too, had been getting to her for days now that she has the space to think about it. Maybe even longer than that. Her jaw tightens some; she breathes out through her teeth. Tries to count backward, tries to relax. It’s no good. She can feel the words boiling up in the back of her throat, scalding her tongue. She thinks of a million bitter, mean responses, rapid fire: Or we can sit around and be miserable, if that’s what you want. Hey! Another scintillating three hours of watching the baby roll over in its sleep, because it’s almost nightfall, and babies sleep most of the day. Is nothing good enough? I had Sylens essentially create a forcefield around the whole goddamn mountain before you would even deign to spend ten minutes around me, and even that didn’t change anything.
She doesn’t say any of these things, but the thoughts (bitter, angry, hurt) are there at a low simmer. Her mouth thins. “Hey, you know what, forget it. I’ll be back.” The words are neutral, but there’s something curt and frustrated there that she can’t cut out.
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She had bounced back well from her pregnancy and illness both, but her body just wasn't the same. She felt out of shape and her stamina was remarkably lower than it had been. She had complained in general but very little about her body or the toll the trip had taken— truthfully it made her feel self conscious to do so at all (and how would be a mother and protect her child from this world if she couldn't even take a fucking hike?)
The worst change post pregnancy had undoubtedly been the state of her breasts— she'd heard time and time again from the women she grew up with and the mothers among the Nora that breastfeeding was no fucking joke. Her chest had already been large enough before all of this, but childbirth had almost doubled them in size making her constantly annoyed and tired. Not feeding for this long has made them ache, and she realizes in a sudden panic that she cannot find the pump that Aloy had fashioned to make the burden easier.
She has only taken off the plate of leather armor around her tunic when Aloy returns. She's made a mess of their things, hunting through her and Aloy's packs like a mad woman. Zero looks up, frowning.
"Where the hell have you been? Actually forget it— have you seen the thing? You know, that you made— if I can't find it I'm going to chop my tits off."
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When she sees the mess of the camp, she at first has a moment of wild panic: where’s Zero? is she alright? before her gaze sweeps over her and she realizes she’s 1) fine and 2) is the source of the mess. The comment (thoughtless and annoyed, like she was someone’s stupid pet), and the sight of the camp she’d spent so much time putting together is what finally causes the dam of her patience to break.
“Why would I have it?”
It comes out sharp, and she sees no need to cushion her tone this time. She sets the results of her hunt down, and kneels to start picking up after Hurricane Zero, shoving her own supplies in her pack with more force than was required. “You didn’t have to wreck my things looking for it. I didn’t pack it. I told you to double check everything before we left.”
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"Sorry I didn't make a list and check it twice! I was too busy getting your kid ready for this— this stupid trip that you wanted to go on!"
Ironically, this is the thing that finally gets Zero to focus on something outside of the baby monitor. She gets up, gathering her own things in an effort to keep herself distracted from the pain building in her chest— her mind works on a plan to relieve herself of the excess fluid.
"Did you even think about me when you planned this? I have shredded roast beef dangling between my legs and two ticking bombs strapped to my chest— what the fuck am I doing scaling mountains and walking through swamps?"
Her own unactualized bitterness seeps through, though she hardly realizes it. Zero often did this— pushed her feelings down in the name of responsibility until it all came boiling over because of something inconsequential. She had thought Aloy understood this about her and perhaps that betrayal seeps into this as well.
Zero gathers what she'd needed: a salve Zo had given her for the pain and irritation, and insulated bags to collect the breast milk (when their child had been born Zero had some trouble nursing— and though she had not admitted this to Aloy the struggle had made her inconsolable, her self-loathing and misery bottomless. Now she was obsessive in not letting any of it go to waste).
Zero turns away from Aloy, leaning into the shade of the weeping tree. Now that she's made Aloy aware of her physical misery (and because she has reached her breaking point) Zero makes no effort to hide it. She pulls her arms through her tunic, every movement causing her to hiss in quiet pain. When she speaks again her voice is watery, as if holding back tears.
"Now I have to milk myself like a fucking cow.."
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She trails off after a moment, flushed and out of breath, shaking in the aftermath of her outburst, and at last she sees how distressed and in pain Zero is. Her ire deflates right away, replaced by the sour taste of guilt and shame in equal measure. Her gaze fixes itself on the ground until she feels her composure return, if piecemeal. She walks over to Zero slowly, then crouches beside her.
There’s a long pause. She worries her bottom lip with her teeth.
“…
Tell me what’s wrong. Let me help.” She adds, on the verge of desperation. “Please. I want to help you.”
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She does not get very far however. Zero presses down against the base of her breast with her hand in an effort to draw the liquid out, but the pressure is too much and she bites down a whimper of pain, groaning and pulling her hand away like she had been electrocuted. Moisture pools in the corner of her eyes and it makes Zero drop the insulated bag, rushing to wipe at her eyes.
"Fucking swamp— it's all this shit in the air." She's saving face, it's the pollen and pain both. Eyes dry Zero drops her hands to her sides, beside herself. She'd instinctively turned away slightly when Aloy approached. She had never been so self conscious in her life until she's gotten pregnant; Aloy saw very little of her unless she was nursing.
Zero takes a shaky breath and shifts so Aloy can see her. Her tunic is pulled down to her waist, breasts pulled out over the top of her brassier (they were uncommon in this place, she'd had Teb design it specially for her to combat her discomfort with her body). They are more swollen than usual from the stored liquid, areola enlarged from nursing.
"They.. haven't been dealt with since we left." It's strange for Zero to struggle with words being as crass as she is. It's a testament to how uncomfortable she has been since giving birth. "I can't do it myself, it hurts more that way and I keep pussying out."
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Carefully, she cups Zero’s breasts in her hands. The weight of them is different even from the scarce moments they’d had during her pregnancy, heavy and flushed. It looks like it hurts, and her gaze flickers up to Zero’s face, as if searching for something.
“Uh…” she starts, and then, a little abashed: “I’m not sure what to do. Do I just… press down?” The obvious answer is there, sits uncomfortably in the back of her head. She doesn’t know why that is; there was nothing inherently sexual about the process. But it’s…boy. It’s a little weird.
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But the bite muffled by her apparent misery. She winces, anticipating pain when Aloy lifts her breasts- her hands are warm, even moreso than usual. Leave it to Aloy to be obtuse about all of this. How one person could be a fucking genius and an idiot at the same time was beyond her.
"I'm not actually a cow. Just.. put them in your mouth and suck. You've done that before." Zero looks away, uncomfortable. "Don't make this worse than it needs to be. It'll be faster this way- it'll hurt, but I'll feel better way sooner."
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It’s in reference to more than this, it seemed.
She colors at both the realization and at Zero’s tone. The, “I can’t believe you’re making me say this, stupid,” tone. “I,” she sputters, “I knew that. I only wanted to be sure.” She’d been hoping in some small way that it wasn’t that, and again she tries to separate the concept of it in her head from the act, which was simply to relieve Zero’s pain and discomfort.
And… something is jangling in the back of her head, not discomfort but restlessness, of a variety she doesn’t care to examine in the moment.
It’s been a while. She’s been pent up; they’ve barely interacted without the baby around. The birth itself had been nerve wracking. The circumstances around that birth had been frightening. It’s just energy without anywhere to go. It doesn’t mean anything. She had to focus on the result, not the things in between.
Aloy lowers her head and takes Zero’s breast into her mouth. Her skin is warm, almost feverish, the areola almost puffy, swollen and sensitive. Zero’s skin has that powdery airy smell she associates with her in the moments she was with the baby, fussing over a bath or humming her to sleep. It’s different from what she remembers, but not unpleasant, and the mingling of it with her sweat and exertion from today, and has the undertones of milk sweetness. That mixed with the pollen turns it unbearably heady, and she feels herself flush with the realization of it.
This could not possibly be turning her on. She felt insane. What the hell was wrong with her? This sudden awareness doesn’t stop her, though she allows her eyes to close and tilts her head downward so that Zero won’t see the proof of it written all over her face.
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Zero throws her head back, holding herself up with her palms; her eyes close, lips pursing and unpursing as Aloy sucks.
"Mm, just like that- god that feels better." An adult has greater suction than a child after all, it is as efficient as it is satisfying (though she chalks the former up to finally being put out of her misery). The little sounds don't stop, as Aloy continues the aching and then almost instant relief continue in tandem, making Zero vocalize and writhe against Aloy's mouth.
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Definitely turned on then, by this. Great.
She leans in closer, all but burying her head in Zero's chest, her mouth latched around her swollen breast, and sucks harder, her teeth grazing gently over her nipple. She can't help the little noises she makes in response either, or the glazed-over look in her eyes when she finally allows herself to stare up at Zero, wanting to see her face. The dazed thought that manages to peek through the haze filling her senses is that this was good, perfect, she could do this all evening. Zero needed her like this. She was being useful again, at last.
What makes her pull away at last is the inevitable trickle of warm liquid in her mouth, coating her tongue. Milk, obviously. The taste is... not bad, no, but it startles her enough to almost jerk away, quickly turning from Zero in order to swallow without being seen.
Her hand trembles as it moves to swipe at her mouth. Her shoulders are locked tight, and even with her back turned, it's clear that her breathing is fast and heavy. She shivers like she's cold.
"Sorry, I," her voice is hoarse, and she finishes quietly, "swallowed a little of it. That's, uh, that should help you along."
Meanwhile, she looks around for a possible escape. She needed to... to fight a machine or jump in a cold river, or anything to let off steam. Anything that wasn't thinking about... about it.
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"What? Oh, I don't give a fuck." Her mind rushes to catch up with the conversation, she looks at Aloy and then their surroundings wondering if she's missed something. Zero frowns, whatever emotion she'd been previously overcome with replaced with the same surly annoyance from before.
"That's it? Huh." Zero is quiet, eyes narrowed in scrutiny as if trying to decipher some secret in Aloy's countenance. "Grossed out already? Well, figures. Fine- go do whatever, I'll milk myself." Whatever methodical system she'd created in the name of saving it is forgotten in the face of her anger; Zero takes her breast in her hand and begins the process of massaging out what remains. It's messy like this, the milk gets all over her fingers and covers her skin in a wet sheen.
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"What?" Oh no. "Wait, no, I'm not grossed out." She reaches for Zero by reflex, pulling her hands away. "It... it isn't that, alright? I," she finally blurts out, frustrated, "I'm so turned on that I can't see straight. I just didn't want to be weird about it!"
In the quiet that follows this exclamation, Aloy seems to return to her senses. She pulls back, a hand to her forehead. "I'm sorry — it's been a while since we...and I'm clearly losing my mind. I've screwed up this entire trip already though, right? What's one more disaster to top it off?"
This vitriol is directed entirely at herself.
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Disgusted and disconnected with her own body and in so much pain at that it overwhelms her to the point of being in audible.
"You.. are you..? I-" The words are cut off by another hiss, the ducts in her breasts clogged yet again. She grows redder still, her embarrassment uncharacteristic and somehow reaching further depths. She gets up hastily, trying in vain to pull her tunic back up.
"It's fine, okay? You don't have to say shit just to make me feel better." She's turned away and fiddling with her tunic, trying to hide from Aloy's gaze. There's no anger in her voice this time- shame, maybe, something watery at the end of her words.
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She takes Zero's breasts into her hands again, calloused thumbs brushing over her hardened nipples, paying no mind, this time, to the wetness gathered there. "I need to take care of you. They still hurt, don't they?" Her voice is almost too soft to be heard. "I stopped too soon. Don't worry — I've got you."
She keeps her gaze on Zero now when she brings her mouth to her breast again, sucking hard. A shuddery groan escapes her; her lashes flutter against her cheeks briefly, as if she's nearly overwhelmed. She doubles her efforts until milk begins to flow again, and doesn't pull back this time, an arm hooking around Zero's waist to pull her in closer instead.
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Enclosed by foliage, trees, and the fast approaching night it feels like she has no where to run and hide from Aloy's hands and worry. Her brain wants both in equal measure: to hide her shame and to fall into the warm pleasure of her hands. Aloy's hands are already on her while she short circuits and she makes a surprised sounds when her thumbs graze sensitive skin.
Zero looks away, biting down on her finger- thought it doesn't fully quiet the sounds she makes when Aloy's mouth begins to move. It feels good, it feels bad; the more Aloy sucks the more her body wordlessly urges her to continue even though she can't bear to be fully present in this moment lest the shame eat her alive.
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“Hey. Let me see your face.”
She’s out of breath. By now she’s backed them both up against the tree, her arm still wrapped tight around Zero’s waist. She stares up at her, her mouth bruised and wet and her eyes bright in the growing dark. She’s a little out of breath when she speaks. “Tell me what’s wrong.” Everything in her is urging her to continue, and she places gentle kisses against Zero’s chest to quell the urge. “I want you to talk to me.”
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She listens to the request but is no less bashful.
The hands around her waist feel heavier than they are and she cranes her head, not realizing until it has happened that Aloy has backed her against a wall. She has no where to go, her shame center stage as she struggles with an answer (its hard to muster one, between the warm wet kisses and the still lingering aches in her breasts - she misses Aloy's lips in more ways than one).
"It's just-" She tilts her head away again, does a full sweep up down and around, and when her gaze comes back to where Aloy had positioned it she stares at a point just past Aloy's face. "- hormones, and shit. I don't know! My tits hurt and I don't know what I want and I miss my fucking baby!"
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“Let me take your mind off it.” Her thumb brushes Zero’s lower lip, and she leans forward to kiss her cheek, the line of her jaw, her forehead. “I miss her too.” A pause, and she admits, “But I’ve missed you, so much. I wanted us to come out here together because I missed you.” There’s something tender in Aloy’s expression, something a little hurt too.
“Do you not want this? For me to touch you anymore?” Even with this question, she places a kiss on Zero’s throat. “I know you hate the trip, but I thought… I don’t know. I’ve missed touching you, and it’s as if you hate for me to even look at you now.”
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"I never said any of that shit." Instinctively, she turns her head both to give Aloy's mouth more room and to hide again.
"It doesn't have anything to do with you.." the words are spoken in between the shivers that Aloy's touches elicit. "I had a lot of issues before I met you. Popping a kid out and everything else, it just made everything worse."
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"I get it," she says, her voice ragged but, all things considered, oddly calm. "I do. I know you didn't say that, and it's selfish of me to be hurt by it, but I... I can't help it."
It's a rarely admitted thing. Somewhere, distantly, the side of her still cognizant of embarrassment rails against this. However, she continues, the words mumbled now into Zero's skin. "I don't want you to hide from me."
She takes Zero's breast into her mouth to suck again, one hand teasing the other. Her other hand impatiently moves to fumble with her own clothing — she's too warm, and all of her nerves buzz with eagerness.
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Each bite, suck and flick of Aloy's tongue makes her shudder. She's drunk on this, mind slowly becoming somewhat sober when Aloy admits to something she never did.
"Better admitting to being a little brat than pretending you're not." She mumbles, pushing hair away from her face. The humidity and everything else have already made her sticky with perspiration— her fingers get tangled in her hair when she startles from Aloy's breast on her mouth again.
Something about this admission makes her blush.
"What the hells gotten into you? Here—" She doesn't push Aloy away but pays no mind in potentially disturbing her as she helps loosen the ties and straps of her clothing. Zero stops intermittently to hiss and whine, toes curling in her boots at how Aloy teases her. She herself always exists in a state of some kind of want between the warped nature of her brain and post pregnant hormones, so she has yet to actualize how the pollen may have caused this in the both of them.
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