[There's a tired snort at that, not quite a laugh. She opens her eyes to see Zero staring at her through her floating displays, and at last manages a weary smile.] It isn't my field, no, though even I disobeyed sometimes, when there was a lesson I was disinterested in. Once-
[A moment's pause. She had almost done it. Had almost mentioned Aloy. It was a recording she'd seen of her and Aloy had told her about later, when she'd been so frustrated by a lesson of Rost's that she hid in a tree for hours, refusing to come down. The memory feels like acid over her nerves.] It doesn't matter. [she sounds defeated.] She'll endure it. And, [Embarrassment brings color to her face.] I've done both recently enough, thank you. I haven't forgotten that you're a stickler for hygiene.
[She knows it isn't fair for her to be this way, not to Zero, who had inexplicably stayed with her to support her. She looked so tired. She could have left her alone to waste away in the Base with only GAIA as company. She could've taken the other clone and gone anywhere. But still she took the effort to check in on her every day, to provide meals and occasionally harass her into stepping outside. It makes Beta feel guilty. She almost feels guilty enough to tell her what she was working on. Surely she would understand how important it was, that this world needed Aloy. That they needed her too.
Instead the lie comes so smoothly, automatically. Few people knew that she was capable of this: the shutting down, cutting sentiment away. This had been a necessary routine among her so-called benefactors. And this was for Zero's own good, she reasons. When she finds Aloy, she can surprise her with it. They could be happy again. ] No apocalypse, thank goodness. GAIA can keep track of most of the planet's upkeep herself, but I'm helping fill in some of the map. Finding Cauldrons, keeping the Focus network secure, you know. Stuff. Continuing GAIA's heuristic development prepares her for any potential threat or unforseen change in the biosphere. Seeing this technology firsthand is good for me, too. It um, it keeps me busy. And I've been working on a few creature comforts. I think I can build you a heated bath soon.
[ Beta's levity (although brief) makes Zero relax some as well. She pulls back now that she has Beta's attention and a sign that she would not succumb to any sort of breakdown today.
Zero sits again, resting her elbows on the table. She whistles, low and appreciative. ]
Now that would be something. The kid always bitches about baths when it's cold out.
[ in true maternal form how much such a thing would benefit her is almost dismissed.
Zero attended to the girls every need. She turned six not long ago, and was as rambunctious as she was smart- and the usual tantrums aside the two of them got along swimmingly. They ate together, bathed together, and were separated only by sleep or the child's studies.
Zero is quiet again, and she looks away briefly (eyes shifting slowly around the room until she finds Beta again). ]
Hey— I need a favor. I'm going to take a break.
[ These sorts of requests weren't unusual. Usually it was for a few hours or a day, but this time— ]
For a week this time. You can put a tracker on me whatever'll make you feel good. I just need it, you need to watch her— there's no one else who can do it.
[As always, the request fills her with a certain amount of dread, but the length Zero mentions makes her look up, unable to hide her immediate panic.]
A week? That long? [She was being selfish, she knows. She needed to rein it in. ] I... I can try, but I, [her mouth thins: she rubs anxiously at her arms in an attempt to soothe herself. ] you're so much better with her than I am.
[It's admitted in a quiet rush. To say the real reason, that it made her so uncomfortable to be alone with the other clone that she could barely stand it, would go over like a lead balloon.
And her work... Aloy. Say nothing of Zero being gone for so long. The thought of it makes the whole room feel smaller. What would she do if she disappeared too? What would either of them do? She couldn't take care of a child. She could barely take care of herself.
She stands up, starts to pace, flicking the displays away in front of her rapid-fire, in anxious and jerky gestures. Eventually she seems to deflate, her back turned to Zero. She's still hugging her arms close to her. Making herself smaller. She's quiet for a long time, thinking.
Aloy would do it. She might grouse, or dislike it. Even so, she'd do it.]
... Okay. Okay. I'll figure it out. [She looks over her shoulder, brow furrowed and expression worried.] A week. Are you... is everything alright? Are you not feeling well?
[ She feels selfish asking— not only for burdening Beta (they've never discussed how she felt about the other clone, but Zero knew; Aloy had known as much as she needed to about the Intoners, Zero's sisters, but Beta knew more. Zero thought she'd have a chance to share more with Aloy when she was ready..) but the child as well. Children could not understand why they were unwanted but they knew when they were. For this reason (and others) Zero never pushed the two of them to spend more time together than necessary. ]
Hah, what a fucking question.
[ She snorts, derisive. ]
The answer to that is no, but that's been the case for awhile— long before I ever met you or your sister.
[ Zero speaks like it's in inconsequential, and to her it kind of is. Nothing would change the hand they were dealt and nothing would change the fact that Aloy had left them. ]
If I'm going to be there for her all the time, then this is what I need— that's all. I'll blow off some steam, kill something, get laid and then when I come back I can go back to being.. what the fuck was her name? That one shitty movie you showed me.. Marry Poppins!
[Of corse Beta knows the fantastical and terrible nature of Zero's own history with her sisters. Beta had listened in amazement, in fear and sympathy, and at the end she'd taken Zero's hands into her own and held them.
So part of her understands it — this need to escape her own head for a while. Didn't Beta do the same, in her own way, when she pored over information, looking for scraps of data that connected to Aloy? Zero's bluntness makes her flush, but it makes her laugh a little too for the first time in a long time, covering her mouth to hide it. ]
You got it. [She looks down at her feet and takes a deep breath.]
Okay. I'll do my best. Please be careful, and... may I call while you're gone? Just to check in. I won't bother you.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
[A moment's pause. She had almost done it. Had almost mentioned Aloy. It was a recording she'd seen of her and Aloy had told her about later, when she'd been so frustrated by a lesson of Rost's that she hid in a tree for hours, refusing to come down. The memory feels like acid over her nerves.] It doesn't matter. [she sounds defeated.] She'll endure it. And, [Embarrassment brings color to her face.] I've done both recently enough, thank you. I haven't forgotten that you're a stickler for hygiene.
[She knows it isn't fair for her to be this way, not to Zero, who had inexplicably stayed with her to support her. She looked so tired. She could have left her alone to waste away in the Base with only GAIA as company. She could've taken the other clone and gone anywhere. But still she took the effort to check in on her every day, to provide meals and occasionally harass her into stepping outside. It makes Beta feel guilty. She almost feels guilty enough to tell her what she was working on. Surely she would understand how important it was, that this world needed Aloy. That they needed her too.
Instead the lie comes so smoothly, automatically. Few people knew that she was capable of this: the shutting down, cutting sentiment away. This had been a necessary routine among her so-called benefactors. And this was for Zero's own good, she reasons. When she finds Aloy, she can surprise her with it. They could be happy again. ] No apocalypse, thank goodness. GAIA can keep track of most of the planet's upkeep herself, but I'm helping fill in some of the map. Finding Cauldrons, keeping the Focus network secure, you know. Stuff. Continuing GAIA's heuristic development prepares her for any potential threat or unforseen change in the biosphere. Seeing this technology firsthand is good for me, too. It um, it keeps me busy. And I've been working on a few creature comforts. I think I can build you a heated bath soon.
no subject
Zero sits again, resting her elbows on the table. She whistles, low and appreciative. ]
Now that would be something. The kid always bitches about baths when it's cold out.
[ in true maternal form how much such a thing would benefit her is almost dismissed.
Zero attended to the girls every need. She turned six not long ago, and was as rambunctious as she was smart- and the usual tantrums aside the two of them got along swimmingly. They ate together, bathed together, and were separated only by sleep or the child's studies.
Zero is quiet again, and she looks away briefly (eyes shifting slowly around the room until she finds Beta again). ]
Hey— I need a favor. I'm going to take a break.
[ These sorts of requests weren't unusual. Usually it was for a few hours or a day, but this time— ]
For a week this time. You can put a tracker on me whatever'll make you feel good. I just need it, you need to watch her— there's no one else who can do it.
no subject
A week? That long? [She was being selfish, she knows. She needed to rein it in. ] I... I can try, but I, [her mouth thins: she rubs anxiously at her arms in an attempt to soothe herself. ] you're so much better with her than I am.
[It's admitted in a quiet rush. To say the real reason, that it made her so uncomfortable to be alone with the other clone that she could barely stand it, would go over like a lead balloon.
And her work... Aloy. Say nothing of Zero being gone for so long. The thought of it makes the whole room feel smaller. What would she do if she disappeared too? What would either of them do? She couldn't take care of a child. She could barely take care of herself.
She stands up, starts to pace, flicking the displays away in front of her rapid-fire, in anxious and jerky gestures. Eventually she seems to deflate, her back turned to Zero. She's still hugging her arms close to her. Making herself smaller. She's quiet for a long time, thinking.
Aloy would do it. She might grouse, or dislike it. Even so, she'd do it.]
... Okay. Okay. I'll figure it out. [She looks over her shoulder, brow furrowed and expression worried.] A week. Are you... is everything alright? Are you not feeling well?
no subject
Hah, what a fucking question.
[ She snorts, derisive. ]
The answer to that is no, but that's been the case for awhile— long before I ever met you or your sister.
[ Zero speaks like it's in inconsequential, and to her it kind of is. Nothing would change the hand they were dealt and nothing would change the fact that Aloy had left them. ]
If I'm going to be there for her all the time, then this is what I need— that's all. I'll blow off some steam, kill something, get laid and then when I come back I can go back to being.. what the fuck was her name? That one shitty movie you showed me.. Marry Poppins!
[ she snaps in satisfaction at the realization. ]
Her.
no subject
So part of her understands it — this need to escape her own head for a while. Didn't Beta do the same, in her own way, when she pored over information, looking for scraps of data that connected to Aloy? Zero's bluntness makes her flush, but it makes her laugh a little too for the first time in a long time, covering her mouth to hide it. ]
You got it. [She looks down at her feet and takes a deep breath.]
Okay. I'll do my best. Please be careful, and... may I call while you're gone? Just to check in. I won't bother you.